Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Do I Tell my Pdoc the Truth?

Tomorrow I have my first pdoc appointment since three weeks ago. Both before and after my last appointment I have/had been feeling increasingly suicidal. Three weeks was a very long gap between appointments given how poorly I have been managing.

I have taken to sleeping much of the afternoon. I cannot get myself out of the house, so I have been really isolating myself. I have avoided the Art Clubhouse I go to except for the two half days I volunteer. Even then on one of those days I have been getting there late and leaving early. I just don't want to do anything.

This is gross, (and very unlike me), last week I couldn't even manage to shower for 5 days straight. The effort to get into the shower, and then brush my hair afterwards seemed overwhelming. I haven't been able to cook, or clean. My husband has been cooking dinner, thank god. He hasn't been yelling, or screaming at me for being so sluglike. In fact he has been very supportive, which is a change I really appreciate.

All those things I can tell my pdoc. The truth I am afraid to tell is how deceptive I have been in regards to my dog's prescriptions. I have been amassing very large amounts of two types of heart medications and a very large, and definitely lethal dosage, of Phenobarbital My dog does need these meds, but I have been getting the pharmacist to give me all his refills at once under the guise that I do not want to pay the dispensing fee for monthly doses.

That is not the truth. I want to use the medicine to commit suicide and have been stockpiling the medications for this purpose. I know I will never get better, never find medications that will help me for any length of time. I've tried almost everything there is to try.

Today I do not feel suicidal, but most of the last month or more, and many days in the months prior, I have. There must be some part of me that wants to keep trying because, today I think it might be important for me to tell Dr. X. what I have been doing, but I am afraid about what he will do if I tell him.

I am afraid he will tell my husband what I have been doing, or worse, not let me leave my appointment tomorrow. I recognize that I am moving closer to action in terms of killing myself, but I believe what I do with my life is my prerogative. If I tell him I also understand I am reaching out for help and some part of me wants to do that; wants to live. I have always trusted him to trust me, but I don't know if he will if I tell him my recent plans and actions. I want to tell him, but I want his assurance that what I do about it will be my choice.

No comments: