Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Race Against Time

I had one of those therapy sessions today that used me all up. I am so depressed I can't handle it. I feel like I have some huge personality problem; like I have two seperate personalities. The bubbly, effusive, effervescent me and the other me, the me that clings to life by a thread, can't sleep, is so depressed and fatigued she feels like she can barely move half the time.

Dr. X. and I had a discussion about my personality again today. He says I absolutely do not have a personality disorder. He says he would describe me as an extremely social person who has a lot of anxiety around performance, people being judgemental of me, being embarrassed, a lot of social anxiety, and generalized anxiety, yet I still come across as very social. He said both sides of me; the sad, isolating, depressed and tired me, and the bubbly, social me, are the real me. I can encompass both.

He said many people with bipolar disorder will describes experiences of being extremely social and then being exhausted by the interactions afterwards. That is exactly how I feel. My high personality always comes with a cost, and that is fatigue and wanting to isolate.

We spent much of the session discussing medications, as I feel like giving up. He said it is like a race against time, trying to find medications to help my depression. We will get there. He said there are many things I have not tried and we will make the medication decisions as a team...I really like that he said that, and through my tears I felt like I could keep trying if I had a team member helping me.


Polar Bear said...

I hope you will find the right medication. Trying to find the right combination sometimes takes a lot of time, and trial and error. I'm glad he is working with you in a collaborative way - that's the best way to do it.

jcat said...

yeah...the going out and interacting with people, pretending that everything is cool. And often, just making it into the car before it feels as if I actually am physically deflating, that all the hot air that has been facilitating talking and walking and holding myself upright just gets exhaled. I cry in the car an awful lot, when I leave places/people and don't have to be the puppet-me any more.

There has to be a right med combo. You have to hang onto that. Some have worked for me for a while in the past. Something just has to work again sometime. As long as you can hold that thought, and feel like pdoc is working with you to find it, you can keep trying.


The Patient said...

Aqua - I can relate to so much of what I've read so far; thank you for sharing your experiences! Please don't give up - it sounds like you have a great ally in Dr. X; you will get there.

Best regards,
"The Patient"