Resistance is Futile

I would like to say that I follow my pdoc's advice all the time, but I do not. I think he is brilliant, trustworthy, knowledgeable about medications, and a gifted therapist; so why do I resist what he suggests so much?

Here is a classic example. The appointment I had three weeks ago, before he went on holidays, I was feeling depressed still, even after increasing my antidepressant (Prozac). About 5 weeks prior to that, for a few weeks Prozac seemed to help. Then it just stopped working. So about 2 weeks before said visit we increased the dosage...and nothing occurred except an increase in teeth tapping and annoyingly repetitive snippets of music in my head.

I asked if I could stop taking Tegretol. I was thinking maybe it was interferring with the ability of the Prozac to increase my mood. Made sense to me. If it stabilizes mood, it must take both the highs and the lows away. Really it seems to have MAYBE stabilized my moods fast cycles a tiny bit. I don't break out in tears over every tiny little thing, but my longer cycles are still there, however I only go severely low and never get high at all anymore.

When I say high, I do not mean manic or even hypomanic. I mean my regular, hyperthymic temperment never seems to show itself anymore. I am mostly moderately depressed to severely depressed, spending almost all my time in the latter type of mood.

Dr. X. looked at me sheepishly; giving me that look that means "are you completely out of your mind???" Well I'm sure he was not thinking that exactly, but that is the meaning of the look. As he flashed it to me I imagined all the people who sit in his office arguing it's the mood stabilizer that is the problem...honest! Ha, ha.

I explained how I thought maybe it was keeping my mood from lifting. I also expressed my desire to be on as few medications as possible. Given I am on four at the moment I thought simplifying the mix might be better for me. He suggested I stay on the Tegretol. So I followed what he said and he went away for three weeks.

Then this week, after I explained how poorly I had been doing, he suggested I begin to go off the Tegretol. My reaction: "WHAT? It's the only thing that I am taking that I think even works at all. At least with it I do not feel as labile. I manage to get through my Art clubhouse volunteering without breaking down everytime I step through the door".

I am insane...

Was it not me who previously had asked to do the very same thing he just suggested I do? Why do I do that? Why do I resist him so much?

I am so stubborn. That has been both a blessing and a curse. It has kept me alive and trying despite so many medication failures. The problem is I do not know when to resist and when not to. I resist all the time.

Could be a father issue. Dr. X. being a man in authority could be a reminder of my extremely authoritarian father. Dr. X. is about as opposite a man you could get from my father...he is nurturing vs. terrifying, caring vs. demanding, empathetic vs. ridiculing, kind vs, bullying...the list could go on forever, but you get the point. He's more like my Mom was than anyone else. That is the highest statement of regard I can give anyone. So not sure why I resist.

Anyways...I am going to start decreasing my Tegretol. What is the point of seeing a great Pdoc if I do not listen to his advice? Yeesh.