Saturday, February 09, 2008

Dreams of Death

I believe my dreams are telling me that it is okay to die. Yesterday I fell into a deep sleep in the late afternoon. Suddenly, I was in my truck driving on the freeway. I was speeding, driving 120-130km/hr and passing all the cars. I began to feel like I was falling asleep at this speed. As I began to lose consciousness my foot pushed harder on the accelerator; 130, 140, 150km/hr. My truck began driving so fast it was unstable. I could feel it begin to shudder. I felt myself losing control of the vehicle. It began weaving in my lane.

At this point everything became a blur and I had one eye barely open. Everything was foggy and going in slow motion. I felt drugged and felt I had no control over how I was driving. I knew I was going to hurt someone else and to save them I managed a slight movement to take my truck into the grassy median. As I did the truck began to flip and I began to crash. I woke up with my heart and mind racing, shaking in the same way I would have had this really been happening. It took at least a minute or so to get out of the dream state and realize it was not real.

I fell asleep at 7:30am this morning. I was walking along my road. I could barely walk there was so much snow. Cars were speeding down our snow covered, already narrow, water-filled ditch lined road. A van passed another car, missing me by inches. I gestured angrily at the driver. It looked like he was going to stop and chase me. I began running towards home, but looking back I saw he kept going. I kept running, but was going to fast on the slippery road to turn into my driveway. As I passed my driveway I gleefully leapt into the air, spun around and landed splayed on my back with my arms open like a snow-angel in the soft snow bank at the side of the road. My eyes were closed when I landed. I lay there for a few moments and then opened my eyes.

When I opened my eyes all the snow was gone. It was a warm sunny day. I lifted myself up and started walking towards my driveway, but it was not there. I looked ahead and did not recognize any of the houses. I thought to myself, "I'm not very observant sometimes, I must have walked farther down my road than I thought, and it just looks different from the perspective of walking, as opposed to driving, down the road".

So I walked on and I came across a woman. I asked her if this was "X" road. In a British accent she said no it was "Y" road. I asked her if she knew where the intersection of "X" road and "Z" road where. She looked puzzled and said she had never heard of them. I started walking again, but kept wondering how the snow could have disappeared and how I could be on a different road than I had been before. I began wondering if I was dreaming. It was so real though that I thought there is no way I am dreaming. I still was suspicious it was a dream and I tried and tried to stop the dream, but the road ahead of me never changed and if it was a dream I was trapped in it.

Why do I think my dreams were about my death and it being okay to die?

The First Dream:

  • The first dream I believe was a metaphor for my committing suicide. When depressed I often drive at high speeds hoping I will crash. The only thing that has stopped me from crashing is the fear I will hurt someone else, or that I will survive in worse condition than I am now.

  • In real life I worry that my suicide will harm other people. I think this dream reassures me I can commit suicide and take steps to ensure my family (like the drivers around me in the dream) will be safe and okay.

  • In my dream I woke up shaking and fightened, but during the dream I was exceptionally calm (that extreme relaxation you feel when you have taken medication that makes you finally relax and let go). I felt ready to go.

The Second Dream:

  • The second dream was about being in hell and ending up in heaven.

  • I hate the cold and the winter. When I ran and "gleefully" jumped into the snow bank into the guise of a snow angel I was leaping from hell into heaven. The angel being the being by which I made the transformation.

  • When I awoke all my surroundings were unfamiliar, yet it was sunny and a gorgeously warm day. That is my idea of heaven.

  • Perhaps the British lady was a representation of the Anglican Church, the church I was brought up in?

  • This dream felt like a reassurance that my fears that if I commit suicide I will go to hell are unfounded. I don't really even believe in this stuff...but there is a small part of me that fears..."what if it's all true?"

  • The dream represented being lost, even at home, where I am supposed to feel safe.

  • It felt like God would understand that I am lost where I am...even when I am at home.


Polar Bear said...

Very interesting interpretation of your dreams.

I've had such dreams myself, of dying, or slowly dying. They say that you never dream of things that you would not do in real life. I think that's true.

jcat said...

Sometimes it is scary how vivid and terrifying dreams can be. I don't know how much I believe in dream interpretation generally, but yours are pretty scary even on the most literal level.

When I get woken up by the bad ones, I wonder what happened to the whole Macbeth bit, of 'sleep that knits the raveled sleeve of care' - or something like that?

James said...

Dreams are so powerful and I seem to have bad ones every night. I am usually being persecuted, insulted, shunned or in jail.

I was in a suicidal state yesterday but I pulled out of it in time to go to my pdoc tomorrow.

Hang in there. I will too.