At this point everything became a blur and I had one eye barely open. Everything was foggy and going in slow motion. I felt drugged and felt I had no control over how I was driving. I knew I was going to hurt someone else and to save them I managed a slight movement to take my truck into the grassy median. As I did the truck began to flip and I began to crash. I woke up with my heart and mind racing, shaking in the same way I would have had this really been happening. It took at least a minute or so to get out of the dream state and realize it was not real.
I fell asleep at 7:30am this morning. I was walking along my road. I could barely walk there was so much snow. Cars were speeding down our snow covered, already narrow, water-filled ditch lined road. A van passed another car, missing me by inches. I gestured angrily at the driver. It looked like he was going to stop and chase me. I began running towards home, but looking back I saw he kept going. I kept running, but was going to fast on the slippery road to turn into my driveway. As I passed my driveway I gleefully leapt into the air, spun around and landed splayed on my back with my arms open like a snow-angel in the soft snow bank at the side of the road. My eyes were closed when I landed. I lay there for a few moments and then opened my eyes.
When I opened my eyes all the snow was gone. It was a warm sunny day. I lifted myself up and started walking towards my driveway, but it was not there. I looked ahead and did not recognize any of the houses. I thought to myself, "I'm not very observant sometimes, I must have walked farther down my road than I thought, and it just looks different from the perspective of walking, as opposed to driving, down the road".
So I walked on and I came across a woman. I asked her if this was "X" road. In a British accent she said no it was "Y" road. I asked her if she knew where the intersection of "X" road and "Z" road where. She looked puzzled and said she had never heard of them. I started walking again, but kept wondering how the snow could have disappeared and how I could be on a different road than I had been before. I began wondering if I was dreaming. It was so real though that I thought there is no way I am dreaming. I still was suspicious it was a dream and I tried and tried to stop the dream, but the road ahead of me never changed and if it was a dream I was trapped in it.
Why do I think my dreams were about my death and it being okay to die?
The First Dream:
- The first dream I believe was a metaphor for my committing suicide. When depressed I often drive at high speeds hoping I will crash. The only thing that has stopped me from crashing is the fear I will hurt someone else, or that I will survive in worse condition than I am now.
- In real life I worry that my suicide will harm other people. I think this dream reassures me I can commit suicide and take steps to ensure my family (like the drivers around me in the dream) will be safe and okay.
- In my dream I woke up shaking and fightened, but during the dream I was exceptionally calm (that extreme relaxation you feel when you have taken medication that makes you finally relax and let go). I felt ready to go.
The Second Dream:
- The second dream was about being in hell and ending up in heaven.
- I hate the cold and the winter. When I ran and "gleefully" jumped into the snow bank into the guise of a snow angel I was leaping from hell into heaven. The angel being the being by which I made the transformation.
- When I awoke all my surroundings were unfamiliar, yet it was sunny and a gorgeously warm day. That is my idea of heaven.
- Perhaps the British lady was a representation of the Anglican Church, the church I was brought up in?
- This dream felt like a reassurance that my fears that if I commit suicide I will go to hell are unfounded. I don't really even believe in this stuff...but there is a small part of me that fears..."what if it's all true?"
- The dream represented being lost, even at home, where I am supposed to feel safe.
- It felt like God would understand that I am lost where I am...even when I am at home.