Friday, October 05, 2007

Is it a Love Hurt Thing?

1. My husband hates pharmaceuticals, especially psychiatric medications and especially if my pdoc augments or mixes medications to try to help me. He says the meds have kept me chronically depressed. We get in HUGE fights over my being on meds/trying different meds.

2. I understand/believe I have an illness. I believe, and my pdoc has told me he believes, my illness is biological and/or genetic.

3. Two days ago my husband came to my therapy session with my pdoc. He sounded much more rational and understanding about medications when talking to my pdoc than he is when he talks to, or yells at, me.

4. Today I went and saw my pdoc again and he says he thinks I should go off all medication for a while and really work on my relationship with my husband and other non-medication things (like exercise, eating well etc.)

5. I lost it...I feel so ashamed of how I reacted:

  • At first I thought he was concerned about me using medications he prescribes to commit suicide. I said something really stupid like, "I can commit suicide without the medications. I don't need them for that"...partly because a couple weeks ago he was asking me about whether I was hoarding meds again. He caught me off guard and I felt really embarrassed that I had been saving any leftover meds. I have not been hoarding meds that I am supposed to take...When I left his office I was worried he might have been left with the impression that I have been noncompliant with my meds. Not so. I (almost) always take my meds the way he prescribes them. The ONLY times I have not is with benzodiazepines and sleeping medications...I sometimes have increased them, or reduced them on my own, either because, I feel like I can't calm down, or sleep on the dose he prescribes, or alternately , I start to feel addicted, and want off them "NOW".
  • Then I felt like it was too much of a coincidence that he makes this decision right after he met with my husband and myself.
  • I really do not think my marriage is fixable. I do not even know if I want to be married anymore given how my husband has treated me while I have been struggling so hard. The last few days I believe I have come to terms with the failure of our marriage. So why do I want to risk my well being for something I do not even know I if I want to preserve?
  • I feel like my life is finite and I want to get well as fast as I can. I do not want to waste six months not trying to find medication/s that might help only to find that time off meds was a waste of precious time.

6. My pdoc says no medications will be able to help me if I am constantly having battles with my husband at home about the medications.

7. I felt like my pdoc was taking my husband's side and my family's side.

8. I already feel let down by the therapist at the clubhouse I go to. The feedback she gave me has increased my paranoia and suspicion about all the therapists and the members there and what they think of me. I feel like a couple members may have complained about me...(they are nice to my face, but talk negatively about other people) I extrapolate that to... "They talk bad about me". Plus, I feel like all the therapists must have been involved for the head therapist to say something...especially given the day prior to being talked to it was another therapist who talked to me when I was upset. I feel like I am an outcast.

9. Now I feel like my pdoc is on someone else's side. Except, I am pretty sure, based on my past experience with him, he is on my side...but I'm feeling really confused by this reversal of our previous discussions.

10. I feel like my husband and family are underestimating how depressed I've been, how much it impacts my life and the consequences and potential consequences of my being severely depressed for this long (six years...almost the whole time) Their "Get out and do more things" comments make me feel like they have no idea what it is like to be INCAPACITATED by depression for this long.

11. Now I wonder what my pdoc is thinking? I thought he understood how desperate I am to get well and how important it is that I get well as quickly as possible. I am really upset by this sudden turn in his treatment plan. For months we have discussed treatment plans in terms of medication and maybe my going to the hospital and maybe ECT. He has never pushed medications, but has always talked in terms of our eventually finding a medication, or medications, that would help me . I know I need to do more than take medication. I need to work hard to get my life back, but I cannot manage to do those things when I am this depressed. I need something to help lift my mood enough so I can manage to become motivated to begin living again.

12. I have never, ever read "stop medications" as a strategy to treat Chronic Major Depression, or Treatment Resistant Depression. It feels like he is giving up on me.

13. My husband says he is looking into his future and does not think he wants the rest of his life, what life he has left, to be impacted by my depressed and unstable mood. We have talked several times in the last 4 days about my moving out.

14. I love my husband and I feel so sad I have impacted his life in such a negative way. It was me who initially suggested I move out both because I know my not getting well in a timely manner is hard on my husband's wellness. He is depressed now because of it. Also, I feel I will not get well with us constantly fighting over my medications.

15. I asked my pdoc to let us first try increasing my Carbamazepine to 800mg for 3 weeks to see if that will help my mood. It has not helped thus far, however, I have also had no bad side effects and that's good. My pdoc agreed to try, but he did not sound very hopeful.

16. I feel so confused, sad, angry, and abandoned by my husband, my family, my pdoc, the art clubhouse I go to, my friends (all of them have given up on me), even my dog, because he is really sick again and I know he will pass away soon.

17. Over the past couple days, it's hard to explain, but I have a cloak over all those emotions. I feel nothing, despondent, like I have no emotions anymore...nothing left to feel. Everything is so bad in my life right now that I see no hope anymore.


jcat said...

Oh sweetie....wish I could help. Don't ever doubt that this is biological in cause - would you (or anyone who has actually ever had an MDE) actually CHOOSE to feel like this? There are a lot of people around who think it's cool to be 'depressed', or even more so lately, 'bipolar'; I'm sure you've met them too. Biggest giveaway? When being depressed doesn't stop you from doing the fun stuff..just from work or other chores.

I can't imagine how hard it is to be battling with a relationship at the same time - I've ditched mine in the past, even though at the same time I know that it is far better for us personally to try and stay and work at it. Sometimes though, I guess that it can be just too much for both of you, and from the way you say things, I think that's where you are now.

The one critical thing though is that your HB needs to understand that taking psych meds is so NOT something that you do for fun. Yeah, about as often as it snows here...there is one that will sometimes get you a bit stoned the first few times, but mostly even that isn't really pleasant. Some of the issues I've had with people I thought were understanding have foundered on similar things. That if someone doesn't accept that you're taking a whole whack of meds not to 'make you happy' or any crap platitude, but just to get back to having a place for you to live inside your mind, that you would be more than willing to accept day to day unhappiness if it didn't mean the unending hell of hating yourself with all your heart every day of your life.... if I want to just 'be happy' chemically I'd be out there getting crack rocks from the local Nigerian in an instant. Not what you are looking for...the meds are probably the only way you can get back to being who you really are when the chemical illness isn't decimating you.

And - if your pdoc is anywhere as wonderful as mine is, and the way he has always sounded before , he is - don't doubt that he IS on your side. Maybe he thinks that the med break would be enough of a reason for your husband to want to work on things, and that he doesn't want you living on your own? That's a big thing for mine.. the not being alone too much bit.
Misguided maybe, but meant with the best in mind for you.

Even before I read your post,I was going to suggest that we do some bi-continental motivation. I'll go to the gym tomorrow and NOT buy another bottle of vodka... would you be willing to do similar crap as well? Lord knows I wouldn't want you in the same gym watching me die after 50m on the bicycle... but maybe some long distance unconditional hand-holding would work for both of us.
Mail add : - and then we can take discussions offline?
(((AQUA))) - very big mental hug..!

Polar Bear said...

I don't know what to suggest. But I do share the thought that medications will help lift your mood so you can start working on your issues. I don't know exactly which meds/combo of meds to try.

I know it's a struggle and it's a journey with seemingly no end in sight. Just hang on tight. I hope you will be able to feel better soon.

Aqua said...

Thank you Jcat and Polar Bear. I have come to the conclusion that my marriage is ending. Despite how angry my husband gets at the meds and my depression he is a good person. We just are not right for each other right now. I know he will help me find a new place that is both a nice place to live and healthy for me. It's just hard to accept that it's over.

Jcat...I saved your email address and will send you an e-mail in the next week. I think we can help each other out with setting goals to exercise etc. Your note was so caring and compassionate. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I haven't been reading you for a while and am saddened that you are still seeking wellness. I have to tell you the best thing that happened to my mental health was the dissolution of my marriage.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I haven't given up on you honey. It is unfair what your husband is putting you through.

I can not understand why your pdoc wants you to go off all of your meds!!

I wish that I could give you a big hug and share a joke and a smile. :)