Thursday, September 27, 2007

Thank You Dr. X.

Thank God I have a psychiatrist who cares about me. I was so stressed out all Tuesday day and night about the OT thing. I cancelled my volunteering at the Art Clubhouse on Wed. as I just couldn't face the staff. On Wednesday morning I finally got the courage to call my pdoc to see if I could meet with him before Friday so I could manage to get to the Friday class I co-teach at the studio.

He was so nice. When I phoned I felt really uncomfortable...because I have this intense sense of responsibility in terms of keeping the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship really strict. I see him on Tuesdays...and everything is supposed to wait until then (according to me).

When I called he readily booked me in first thing this morning. I said, I am sorry for calling, but I really don't want this incident to stop me from going to the Art Clubhouse. You know what he said? He said, I am glad you felt comfortable enough to call me. He is so compassionate.

This a.m., once I explained what had happened, he said there is absolutely no reason for me to apologize for crying, or for feeling down at this place. He said it was not my problem. The OT is mistaken about the therapeutic value of my behaviour.

He explained that if you take a child who is extremely socially shy or phobic, afraid to go to school, to be with classmates, and you show them another child (a model) who is AS shy/phobic, but is managing to do the shy/phobic tasks (go to school, talk to playmates etc.), the first child will learn from the experience that maybe they can do it too.

It does not work if the model child is only a little shy and manages the task. The model has to be AS shy/phobic for the first child to see that maybe they to can go to school, or be with classmates.

He said my crying, and then managing to get myself together again and starting doing my artwork, or teaching classes, or volunteering is modelling that behaviour for others. It is helping others see that even if I am really depressed and feeling hopeless I can do things. Maybe, just maybe, one of them will see me doing that and believe they can too.

Dr. X. I wish you could read my blog. You made me feel so much better today. I still feel scared about tomorrow, but I feel much more confident about who I am and how it is okay to be me, despite what others say. Thanks for that.


jcat said...

Hey girl...been around, been reading. Haven't wanted to post or comment because it's just been such a crap week, only stuff I could say has been really down. And you're having a really bad one too, so I didn't want to say anything that would make it worse....

I like what your pdoc said, about the kids. It makes sense. It's also one of the things I like about other peoples blogs - that in some small way we give each other a bit of hope. We know how bad it can be because we are writing about our absolute rock bottom bits...but you are still going to the Art clubhouse and doing stuff that must be really hard. And I'm still doing the wildlife bit, and some work. And I managed to not tell the management 4 levels up from me what a bunch of useless f**wits they are, so guess I won't be fired quite yet. Not sure if that was a good thing or not....

Big hug from way south (())

Aqua said...

Jcat you can be down, and write down things to me if you are down. That doesn't trigger me. It makes me feel more like I'm not the only one struggling so hard against this madness; it makes me feel less alone.

I left a note for you on your last post.
Take care,

Polar Bear said...

I;m glad you have such a compassionate pdoc. I do agree with him - I think you are a good role model to the people at the clubhouse.

jcat said...

How has it been going at the Art Clubhouse? I hope you have been going.

Aqua said...

Polar Bear and Jcat: Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the support. Contrary to how I'm feeling today my pdoc is supportive and I relate to him in ways I cannot seem to manage with anyone else. Even if I get mad with him about something...after my initial fear or anger we ALWAYS talk about it. I like that.

Jcat: I've been going to the art clubhouse on the days I volunteer or teach. If you read my post today it explains how vulnerable I'm feeling right now. I am going though, because I know, if I stop going it will end...and it's to important to my health and well being.

jcat said...

No post? Hugs anyway..

Aqua said...

Jcat...there was a post...then I felt to vulnerable about it so I removed it....then I thought, Who cares. I need to be me in this blog. I need to get all this stuff out of me.

I am better able to see what is really going on (vs. what I am suspicious of what is going on) once I see all my thoughts in writing. So I put the post (and the other two posts I deleted a couple weeks ago, back up.

How are you? I will go check your blog right now, but I hope you are feeling at least a bit better.