Friday, October 26, 2007


Yesterday I managed to get out of the house to meet an acquaintance, M, at a restaurant. When I walked into the restaurant I saw two people who I used to meet for lunch on a weekly basis.

They were friends I had met in a psychodynamic group therapy group a number of years ago. They were people I have been very open with about my ongoing struggle with depression. I felt safe with them as they had both dealt with depression on an ongoing basis as well.

About 3-4 months ago they simply stopped inviting me. I admit that I am not good (read really bad) at initiating any meetings, but I always was excited to meet with both of them. In the weeks just prior to their stopping calling me I was in a severe downward cycle and my pdoc was talking seriously about my being admitted into the hospital.

As the weeks went on I felt they had made a conscious decision not to call me. I recognized that I was so depressed all the time that I burned out the people around me. I cared for them and, in my depressed mind, not calling them was protecting them from me.

Today when I saw them I felt so ashamed and guilty for not calling them. I felt this tremendous sense of responsibility for the friendship having failed. I started to cry when I went up to them to say hello, and I felt so much tension in the air. I thought I was going to be sick.

I want so badly to meet with them again, but I feel so ashamed for being the way I am. My husband yelled at me when I came home and tried to explain what had happened. He said, "You have to stop being so down. You cannot be constantly in a downward spiral"

WTF??? It is as though he believes I could change if I only chose to change. It is how I think everyone sees me and why I think most of my relationships fail. Others believe I am burdensome and I feel that way, so I give up the relationship because I do not want to hurt others.

I feel like that at the Art Clubhouse too. I feel like I'm the only one who never seems to get well. The head OT's telling me I need to change I cannot be crying etc. was akin to my husband telling me to stop being depressed. Now I do not feel safe at the clubhouse to be myself. I feel constantly on edge, afraid I will disappoint. Because of my fear I hold back and keep so many thoughts to myself, because I want to belong, I want to be more supportive and less of a drain on people.

I despise this illness. It has destroyed my sense of self, my sense of self worth, my ability to be resilient and my sense of connection to others. I cannot imagine that I chose to be this way, that I chose a life that makes me want to die every single day I exist.

1 comment:

jcat said...

You don't CHOOSE to be like this, don't ever think that of yourself.
Yeah, some people like being "depressed" - none of them though are the ones who have really dragged themselves around, losing things and people they care for because of feeling so crap. I don't think you'd wish that on anyone, never mind yourself.

** got the sweatpants!! Not just need to put them on and get to the gym for the first time....