Wednesday, October 24, 2007

One Therapy Session a Week Will Not Make Me Well

Dr X. and I met this a.m., like we do every Tuesday morning. His office is the one place I feel safe. I knew I was anxious this morning, like all week, but I thought my mood was a bit up this past week, at least up from where I spend most of my time.

As soon as I began to talk a flood of tears began pouring out of me and as they came I felt so alone, helpless and hopeless. I started to feel like I was a burden to Dr. X. I started to feel like I was going to lose his support if I don't get better faster. I started to feel like it is my fault I'm still so depressed. It's my fault the medications are not working.

By this time I was sobbing and having a hard time breathing I was so anxious. Dr.X told me I am not burning him out and he will be here for me to celebrate and embrace the days that I feel good, but also to support me on the days that are bad.

We talked a lot about creating a life where there are all kinds of opportunities for that kind of support, because one therapy session a week is not enough to keep me on the path towards wellness. I need a life that does that too.

So ideas were to get a personal trainer again to help me get back on the exercise path. Also, to have a set schedule for these things so that everyday at a particular time I exercise, or grocery shop, or meet friends, or cook dinner. Cooking a healthy dinner everyday is another idea...a good way to add more vegetables and healthier eating into my diet. Take my vitamins and supplements everyday, meditate etc.

The art clubhouse I go to is important too, even though I am really struggling since the OT incident. I feel really angry about this still because I no longer feel safe there. I feel scrutinized and devalued. I know I love art and I really enjoy some of the people there though so I am really trying to use a behavioural approach to my fear and anger and face it even if I am feeling that way.

Dr X. says he understands how hard any one of these things is, but if I am going to get well I need as much support as I can muster. Having a healthy body, eating well, being around people at the clubhouse...these are all systems that can contribute to my getting and staying well.


James said...

I'm hear for you. I think of you often and hope you are well. We seem to be in the same place right now.

I'm depressed and exhausted.

jcat said...

Feels like you are my psychological twin sometimes.....
Wish I could help.

Aqua said...

Thanks James and Jcat,
I read both of your blogs and I think we are alligned in our mood patterns sometimes...maybe it's the full moon. I am losing it again, bigtime. I just can't seem to write about how I'm feeling as well as you do. do help by writing your story...I feel less alone when I read that someone is having the same difficulties (though I really wish both of you could be "healed" this very moment!!)