Monday, February 15, 2010

Is it the ECT? The anesthetic? My Meds? A Natural Shift?..

I just read this article about Ketamine and how it can almost instantaneously help treatment resistant depression. I wonder if they use that as part of the ECT aenesthetic?...maybe that is why I feel so good?

Well...I still awake, not dumped afterall and high as a kite...

I am wired for sound, super excited to be alive, enjoying my life, feeling like the old me is returning full steam ahead. The excited, enthusiastic, loving, busy, energetic, action oriented, unstoppable me is back. and I am loving every second of it.

I can see I may be a bit too high (like the not sleeping at all may be a bit of a problem). I am switching from task, to task, to task...having a hard time keeping focused on one thing. Everything seems so important!!! I'm also feeling a sense of my self racing...both my mind/spirit and my physical being.

I HAD to find some sedatives last night and the two nights before (I found some left over Valium), because I was so hyper I felt panicky. The Valium didn't seem to do anything at all for my I had a couple stiff drinks tonight. That didn't help much (if at all) maybe I will take more sleep meds to try to slow myself down. I'm also a bit too quick to anger/lash out.

Overall though, I just feel like my old self...happy, busy, excited to be alive, creative, thrilled with life, full of ideas, ready for action, enthusiastic and full of love and appreciation for everything and everyone...that old self that I love and have missed so much.

It seems I have not been "dumped" after all. I think maybe I was not thinking clearly yesterday. I can see I may have been a bit to "On", "pushy", and dare I say..."demanding", or at the very least full of extraordinarily high expectations. My sweetheart is really slipping into a deep depression right now and I think I need to try harder to step back, slow down and let him choose a pace that works for him and helps him keep himself stable.

It is hard to explain what I feel. I have not had the pleasure of feeling this way for any decent period of time, for so long; of experiencing the self I like, love, adore... for so many years...that I feel "obliged" to wring every last drop of joy out of my soak it up, to slather myself in all I love and need and want. I feel I need to do everything and anything I want to do, and feel like doing...while I have the capacity to enjoy my life and all it has to offer as much as I am right now.

Look out world...are you ready for me???


Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Aqua. It's difficult to comment not knowing the previous pattern of your manic phases. Ie how often, how long do they last, what has triggered them in the past (if anything).

You do sound manic and not being able to sleep at all is a bad sign. I know you want to enjoy this phase as much as possible, but PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Try to pace yourself.

Have you discussed where you are right now with DR X or the hospital? They may be able to offer meds options to help slow you down a bit.

Bearfriend xx

Curiosity said...

Just came across your blog, and can totally relate to the euphoria of a mood improvement. Ketamine is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor, and so are both of the drugs that have had any positive effect on my own resistant depression. I am in the midst of my own confusion in not being sure whether I am actually improved, or just really, really high. Either way, though, I don't want to give up the feeling. Like you, it's been a while...

Plus, think of all the paperwork I'll get done. ;)

Chris said...

Where are you????

I'm here and I care.
Just know that.


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Anonymous said...

Aqua, are you alright? I saw the post you put up earlier today that is gone now... and I need to know that you are alright.

Aqua said...

Hi Merope,
I am very very depressed, and physically sick...I'm okay though (WELL...NOT OKAY, BUT HERE). No matter how much I wish, practice, desire, plan, ideate about suicide...I will not ever do it, because I love my family too much, and have seen how suicide can devastate family member's lives.I can never just think of myself. Please do not worry...I was venting and trying to get the bad feelings out of my head.

Forbidden Regrets said...

You know what really sucks? That fact that we have to live this way! And you guys know what I'm talking about. I mean in highschool, you pass by people, not one person but many. And they stare at you as if you have something coming out of your nose. They stop and ask "Are you ok?" This only pisses you off more and you try and explain " I have depression and anxiety disorders, it takes over my life." Slowly they say, "Oh depression thats no big deal just think positive." And your world is crushed at the fact that no one understands.

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