Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Raging Depression

I feel so messed up right now I feel like I cannot even write. I was about to delete my blog, when I read the last comment, by Chris, on my last post. One of the big reasons I wanted to write this blog in the first place was to reach out to people who are struggling with mental illness, and in particular, depression.

I do not know what is happenening to me, but I am not doing well. I have been going for ECT weekly, but nothing good is coming of it. The past week and a half, (maybe more), all I have felt is RAGE. I feel so angry inside I feel like I am going to blow up; explode! There is so much bad energy in me right now. I do not understand what is happening to me. I am both scared and I have had it. I can't take life anymore.

When I went for ECT on Monday, I tried to express that I wasn't doing well, and the Dr./nurses asked me if I had changed my medicine. I stopped taking the high dose of dexedrine because I am wondering if it is making me crazy. They didn't even listen to me...and scoffed at my complaints about anger/rage...saying I was feeling that because of medication withdrawal.

If they had listened to me they would have understood that I had been feeling enraged for days/week before I decided to stop the amphetimines. I stopped them BECAUSE I was feeling bad...I didn't feel bad because I stopped them. I'm still angry, irritated, flustered, frustrated, cranky, and so depressed I don't know how to keep trying. I want to go...


Fallon said...
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Valerie said...

I am so sorry you are in this place right now. I've been there so many times and it truly feels like there is no way out.

About calling a family member for help, I'm gonna share what I am thinking, but it's not going to be the politically correct. It's gonna be honest instead. ;)

The way I figure it, if you're thinking you're at the deepest point, what have you got to lose by calling your family? I mean, if it's between them being "disappointed" in your eyes or ending your life, there's nothing to lose. Does that make sense?

Also, I know that many people who have known someone that has ended their life wish that they would've been given one last opportunity to help in any and every way they can.

Now, before I continue rambling for days and days (so sorry!) I want to say that you can always call a suicide hotline and people that have been trained to help over the phone will do so.

If you feel like you are really at your deepest point, which it sounds like you are, I hope you will get yourself to the nearest Emergency Room. For real. They've dealt with it before, so don't worry what they'll think. There is someone on hand to deal with these situations all hours and days.

If you can't get yourself to an Emergency Room, will you please call for an ambulance?

If I were there, I would camp out with you for days and days, until you could see the glimmer of light that is possible again. I know it's so dark for you right now. I truly know how it feels. I am always one step away from it myself. It is so exhausting and scary.

I am so here for you. I wish I were there.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Aqua. It's natural that you feel really angry. You've had a brief taste of how it feels to be free of depression and then you're plunged back into hell again. Anyone would be angry.

I'm not sure why you are still having ECT when it is clearly not helping. If you are not getting any benefit then there is no point continuing.

I don't know if you have thought any further on shared accom? I know a guy (in his mid 40s) who has suffered many years of serious depression and been through the mental health system with no benefit. Since then he has structured his life such that he can work full time in a well paid job and receive the support he needs. He is not free from depression of course but he is functional and able to work and enjoy things. He lives in a shared house of 5 working adults. It is a private arrangement which provides him with the support he needs. He owns his own small flat but rents it out. He just cannot cope if he lives on his own. He does have the support of his parents - though they live some distance away - but he has said that if he didn't have this support he would have to turn elsewhere for it - such as community mental health.

Please investigate what support is available to you in the community. You CAN find the way out of this.

Something like shared acc may seem like a very big step to take, but it makes a huge difference just to be around other human beings.

Have you seen Dr X recently?

Bearfriend xx

They call him James Ure said...
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Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I have realized more and more that while doctors can help a bit--we are fairly alone in our fight. They don't have to live with the illness so they can't fully know how to help us can they? I sometimes don't think so.

I think that's why I like the blogging community so much because we all understand each other better than any doctor can. I'm not a professional but you have a brother in me who cares about you wants to see you happy. I wish I could give you hugs, a chance to vent with me and maybe watch a hilarious movie.

I hope you feel better but I know that it takes more than nice comments to help. I hope things even out soon.

Chris said...

Yesterday I was so happy to have a voice through someone.I was actually in a better mood. It was like a special secret that I didn't tell anyone.
I feel sad that beyond what is common between us,that you are feeling so bad. And to top off all that goodness (sarcasm).... the people who are there to listen and help, won't listen or help. I think that is a big reason "we" don't share certain things with family, friends, and medical people. It sucks when you are finally brave enough to say how you feel and that very person you just trusted with rarely spoken thoughts, blows you off.
I wish had magical words for you. Probably the mom in me.
I'm so glad you did not delete your blog because I need you. I realize how selfish that is.

Hua said...

Hi Aqua,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time right now. I'm glad to see that you didn't delete your blog. I feel that writing can be very therapeutic, and blogging is a great place to connect with people in the same boat.

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep your head up and stay strong.

Take care,

Director of Blogger Relations

merope3 said...

Hi Aqua, I just wanted to toss in my words of support. I'm glad to see you writing again; I worry when you are gone for any more than a few days.

You haven't written about your dog for awhile. Has he recovered from his illness? My two beagles are sometimes the only thing that keeps me going...

Anonymous said...

Please don't leave us yet, Aqua.

I only discovered your brilliant blog recently, and, as someone who has also struggled for many years with severe depression, I would be heartbroken to find it suddenly gone.

j said...

I just found your blog today and read this post and the one from a few days after. The complete turnaround in your mood is a huge relief for me to read about because I thought i was the only one that had this. i have been reading about bipolar 2 depression in a very good book called "why am I still depressed?" and learning about it myself, having been only diagnosed recently at 39. i wish i'd known sooner. Please DON'T delete your blog and feel free to wander over to mine at i also paint and i love your sunflower paintings! j