Wednesday, February 03, 2010

My Heart Feels Broken...

...in so many ways.

I feel so desperately and severely depressed today. I could feel the depression returning on Monday, despite having ECT Monday morning. I felt cranky, and irritable, frustrated, flustered and I found myself swearing like a sailor all day. My memory is so brutally bad. I am forgetting things, mixing things up, times up, schedules up, losing things, confused about important things and basically feel mixed-up and lost. I feel like my hope has disappeared.

All day, all I wanted was to die. Please god let me go. I cannot take this anymore. I thought ECT was helping me heal...but I think my last commenter may be closer to the truth...it may have been the support and friendly gestures from other patients that helped me feel better. For various reasons...my external supports are very low right now.


I wanted so badly to call one of my family members for help today because I cannot stop dreaming, wishing, hoping I will die. Problem is...I just finished telling my family how much better I felt, and all of them are thrilled. My Dad, who never asks me how I am, or lets me know he's on my side, has been phoning me to see that I`m well. He told me he was so happy to hear I was better the other day. He said he thought I would never be well. My stepmom said she didn`t think I would survive this depression much longer...She is right. How do I call and ask for support, when everyone wants so badly for me to be well? How can I let everyone down again? I can't.

On top of all this my dog has been really sick. I don`t really know what happened, but while I was in the hospital, he was at my sister's. At some point my sister said he beat her dog up, and wouldn't stop. This sounds exactly "UNLIKE" my dog. I have never seen him bite another dog, ever! He is usually the friendliest and gentlest dog in any group. I hope this misbehaviour was a one off type of behaviour. It scares me that he behaved that way.

I feel awful that he behaved like that...but the vet that looked at him at the time did nothing for him...saying he was okay and now he is very, very sick....and covered in many, many, many puncture/bite marks many of which had become infected. The other day he got a fever, and twice could not lift himself into my car's back seat. When I lifted him in, he stood up briefly and then collapsed onto his side. I raced to the nearest vet and he was hospitalized; where he was rehydrated with intravenous liquids and given blood tests, and antibiotics, and 2 days and almost $800.00 later he was sent home with me, where many of his bites continue to be, or become, infected.

Then there is my relationship. I know...with all my problems...it has probably been hard for my boyfriend, but I try really hard to be there for him too. I think my being sick is too much for him. I woke the night before last night at 5am...and he was gone...no note, no phone call. Yesterday he said he told me, but my memory is so bad...I do not remember at all.

He e-mailed me the next day and said he got really anxious and just needed to get outside and walk, and walk, and walk. I asked him if we were okay, and he says yes...but I sense I am being dumped and he's trying to be nice about it.

I hate weird games, and excuses...they only work to make me imagine the worst, and imagine the worst is my fault...like I'm too crazy for him, too depressed, too broken. If it really was anxiety, just talk with me about it...we talk about that kind of stuff all the time. We were fine until I actually let him know how depressed I really am and he saw how sad I was. I guess on some level I have been dishonest with him about how I am.

I did tell him I was severely depressed for a long time, but people are confused by me, because when I am with people I work hard to put on a face, to interact, to make an effort. Often when other people are around me it helps my mood lift briefly. Anyways, my heart feels broken. I really love my boyfriend. I want so badly for this to work out, but I sense he has had enough.

I hurt so much right now. I feel back where I started before the hospital, only worse. There is something worse about having felt well for such a brief period, only for it to slip away so rapidly. I feel even more hopeless now than I did before I tried all the ECT, and the hospital.

5 comments:

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Aqua. I really feel like you need support, but not knowing about the services available to you makes it difficult for me to suggest specifics. Do you have a system of community support available in your area - a community mental health team? I have a CPN who is available to ring any weekday (there is out of hours telephone support too). Having a CPN is different from having a psychiatrist or therapist. They are not there to treat you but to listen and support (and refer you to other services). I think it would be of enormous benefit to you if there was a person there you knew you could rely on whatever. I can rely on my CPN because her job is to be there for me. We meet regularly face to face and she is my lifeline. The times since being ill when I haven't had a CPN have been times of total mental chaos for me. I cannot function without one. Psychological support is so important.

I really think you need in community support of some description.

On your boyfriend - it is not your fault you are ill. It is not his fault he is ill. It is nobody's fault. To pursue a situation like this is probably only going to trigger both of you into further illness. So perhaps to have a break for a while from each other's company might be a good thing until you are in a less unstable mental frame of mind.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. I'm sure he must have been provoked. Hopefully the antibiotics will see off the infections.

Bearfriend xx

Friend of the Bear said...

PS Also to say that with a CPN there would be no worries about letting them down or disappointing them by feeling well one day and very down the next. You could be totally honest about your illness which would be a huge help. You could be sure of their understanding because they are trained to understand.

There can be no real support without honesty and total trust that you won't be rejected for being ill. This is what I get from my CPN.

Bearfriend xx

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

I was thinking about you today and thought I'd come over and see how you were. I'm so sorry that things are not well again...

I so wish I knew the magic words to say but I know the hopelessness you feel and I know that there isn't anything I can say to make it better. I'll just keep hoping that something will work for you, that you will find the happiness you so desperately deserve.

I hope your dog improves and I hope things with your boyfriend work out.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

you deserve to be here as much as anyone, you have impacted my life as i'm sure visitors to your blog have impacted yours, given you food for thought, a token of their heartfelt concern, this is where your true value lies aqua, we are all playing a part in each other's journey's, it's ok to not be coping with life, life is f**ing hard, remember just as their is dark, there is light, just as there is pain , there is beauty.. the one constant in life is change, tomorrow will be different from today, things do change, that is guarenteed. one day your family will realise its ok to not cope, maybe you will be the one to teach them that, you are, after all, only human like everyone else. sending you much love & light and peace for you on your journey, hang in there baby!

Chris said...

This is my first time at your blog. First time I have searched for a blog about depression. I looked at about15 blogs before I came here.
Your words have come from a place I have not been able to voice. Except for personal differences (boyfriend,family,dog)what I am reading sounds much like I feel or have felt. I like it, so thank you for being able to do what I think I never will do..to be able to have a thought or feeling that is sustained long enough to express it.

Today you made me feel like I am not alone.Which for some reason makes me feel hopeful. Imagine that.