Friday, March 19, 2010

"How Are You"? "I'm Okay."

I haven't really written for a long while. and for days now I have been wanting to write about this...and then in my last post I saw the last commenter comment about a similar dynamic when people ask how you are. So I am going to let it out...

It makes me crazy'(er) that I can never be me with anyone. When my sisters or stepmom, or dad call they sometimes ask how am. Sometimes they avoid the topic altogether. My usual response is either, "I'm okay", or "I'm not feeling so great". If I say the latter the topic changes so fast to something else that it is obvious the question was just a polite conversation opener.

My sisters and family are good, loving people...It must be the chronicity of my illness, the awful person it makes me become, and the neediness of myself that has them pull away from me so much.

A couple times I have tried to express how I need help because x, y, z is happening; i.e. I have been honest about how depressed I feel. The topic changes, or the person tries to get off the phone as fast as possible...and the stops calling or e-mailing completely to protect themselves.

What I most often want to write when they ask how I am , and I am unwell, is: " I am feeling really scared and depressed. I cannot stop thinking about suicide. The noise in my head, telling me to kill myself, telling why it is the best thing, planning how to do it, etc., won't stop. I feel like nobody loves "me".

They love the "me" who laughs and is funny and upbeat...that is part of me, but often that part of me comes out when I am trying to help others feel okay around me, or if I am trying to not act as crazy as I feel. When I want to be cared for, or loved, I try really hard to suppress, or minimize all the things about me that others either cannot handle, or understand, or will take as proof that for their well-being, they should get me out of their lives...NOW.

I understand why this happens. It would be hard to have a sister/daughter like me. I understand, but it hurts me so much that my family doesn't try to help me, or somehow let me know I can call them if I need help. I feel so intensely alone.

Even with my pdoc I am afraid if I tell him what I really feel he will think I am overstating, or that I am crazier than I am. I often leave his office thinking God I must drive him crazy. I try to be/say/express less suicidal thoughts/ideas/plans than I really have, or am, or really feel. I tell him I have the thoughts, but I don't think I have been able to express their relentlessness inside my brain; the way, over, and over and over, and over, the thoughts speed through my head, telling me to:

"...wrap a rope around my neck, wrap a rope around my neck, do it, do it, do it, do it do it...shoot yourself, kill yourself, hire someone to kill you, no one loves you, you are alone, completely alone, lonely, this depression just keeps getting worse, and the worse it gets the more people move away from you..."

"...your family doesn't want you anymore, they only want you when you are okay, they don't want to hear about how you need help, they want you to just go away. So my brain says to me, over and over, " it, do it, do it, hang yourself, wrap a rope around your neck, etc., etc." All the while, that Violent Femmes Song, "Why Can't I Get Just One Kiss?" is playing rapidly. obssessively, over and over inside my I can't get away from the song, or the thoughts.

I can't tell anyone these things. I even don't want to write them here, because all I want is to get them out of my head. I am venting; trying to help myself find some relief.

So I answer, "fine, been feeling a bit down, but that's okay"...WTF!!! "...that's okay"?."...a bit down"???? This will never end...end it.


Grace said...

OMG! I can relate so much to this post!!! I feel like I have to always hide and be someone I'm not because no one wants to hear how depressed I am - how I think about SUI every day. I couldn't get that voilent femmes song: KISS OFF! out of my head last week!

I'm listening, and I care how you REALLY feel! You don't have to pretend...not here...

Safe hugs, if okay.
~ Grace

Ethereal Highway said...

What Grace said. Totally. Sometimes the whole thing makes me just not even leave the house because I just can't fake it anymore and don't want to feel despised on account of it when I am already hurting. Sometimes it makes me not blog, too, because I feel embarrassed about my situation. Then I might go ahead and write the truth and then delete it or shut the blog for a while until my shame subsides. I feel like I have been kicked out of the human race.

I like reading here when you feel good AND when you feel bad. I like you.

Anonymous said...

hey V.T.,
why can't you tell anyone these things? I mean I know why, you explain it in your blog...but I think you really HAVE to tell at least your *doctor* these things. Tell her/him that you're afraid to reveal how you really feel, you're afraid of being judged by others, rejected by your family, sent to an "insane asylum". You are afraid. Hell, you're so scared that you just "dont' go there". That seems like a real, human, normal feeling to me. Feeling rejected by your family for blowing you off when you tell them how you really feel? How about ANGRY, too? Humiliated, ashamed, embarrased, rejected....those feelings are in there, too. And why WOULDN'T you not feel that way? You seem totally NORMAL to me...there's nothing "out of line" about being honest about your feelings to others. I'm glad you can do it on your blog though. I get that it's difficult sometimes to tell the difference between depression-generated fear-of-rejection and fear-of-ACTUAL-rejection-based-on-past-experience. It's a sucky thing to have to process, and you deserve to feel OK about the fact that you are trying your damndest to do that. You ARE. It sucks that your family doesn't have the ability to "get" it. Mine doesn't either...they try, but they dont'. It's not their fault. But it's not MY fault EITHER. I guess what i'm saying is, you gotta take care of yourself & not beat yourself up for it. I notice you're not beating THEM up, so don't beat YOU up either.

those voices that tell you to harm yourself---they're just THOUGHTS....I tell mine to FUCK OFF. it doesn't always work, lol, but sometimes it does. Keep your head up.

Ethereal Highway said...

Still thinking of you. And I'm so glad you posted.


You are normal and a nice person. Feeling bad does not make you a bad person. I understand the feeling, though. I wish I didn't, but I do. And I care about how that makes you feel inside.

Aqua said...

Thank you so much for your caring and accepting responses. You cannot begin to imagine how important the acceptance I received from each of you was in these moments where I'm struggling like this. I felt cared about while reading your comments. Thank you...aqua

Anonymous said...

Hi Aqua, I'm glad to see you posting. It's good to know you are still here. One of the reasons I started reading your thoughts was because you express so well the things I feel, the things I go through, the way it is for me.

That's the worst thing about all of this. The people that love me, that know me...they don't know me. And if they did...they wouldn't love me. Its a hell of a choice.

Valerie said...

Been there, done that (or rather, felt that)!

It sucks so bad. But those of us that know the real you love the real you, in real life or online. I'm sure of it.

Make yourself tell your dr the truth. Who cares what he thinks anyways? You're paying him so he works for you. :)

If you don't feel like you can tell the dr, how about going into an ER and speaking to someone that doesn't know you? Then they can get someone to really help the ways you need.

I know you can't see it now, but there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It's just around the bend.

chris said...

I'm so glad to see that you've posted.
I feel guilty saying that Ive needed you. Guilty because you feel so bad right now. But I have needed you. You're the first person to put together the thoughts and feelings I have. I am thankful to have read your comments and find a few more like minded people. Helps me feel like I am not so alone. Not such an unexplainable freak.
I also am fake. Once I realized this, I stopped calling friends and hanging out with them. It takes too much energy to fake it. I barely can maintain life inside this house. How am I supposed to deal with more?
My daughter and husband think I should write a blog.... I tried, all I could think about and write about were things anyone reading it would think was horrible. I'm know I am doing a disservice to myself by protecting others... but I can't stop.

Curiosity said...

I just got majorly called out by my therapist for adding "but that's okay" to the end of every sentence about my health.

"I can't stay conscious for more than a few hours at a time, but that's okay."

"I'm really nauseous, but that's okay."

It's not okay. But hopefully we will all find a way through it that doesn't involve the pictures that our minds try to say it will. It helps to know that there are other people out there sharing the same frustration I am feeling.

Ethereal Highway said...

I'm still thinking of you. I know you don't know me, but I just wanted you to know that.

sickandtired said...

I read aqua's post and the comments and I'm thinking jeez, what could possibly say that has'nt already been fleshed out by
those who went before me. There should be a new word, a new language, that takes each sub-set of aqua's post and summarizes all
those feelings into words that define each set. A whole new language to describe this sickening reality we live in. Hell, I'd do it myself if I could concentrate long enough. For 18 years I have SUFFERED with chronic Major Depression, GAD, with no break, no up days, no nothing. No one 'gets it'. "You just have to exercize". Yeah, right, I'll get to that right after I figure out how to brush my teeth, bath, and shave. Music in your head? The moment I wake up and when I'm trying to fall asleep it is a constant problem. Today it was Christmas carols! Suicide? I always have 2 or three
plans, at least one I could enact
even in a hospital. I am sooooooo
sick of this. So *f-ing* sick of it! DITTO AQUA! DITTO!

Anonymous said...

"The people that love me, that know me...they don't know me. And if they did...they wouldn't love me. Its a hell of a choice."

OK I have heard this idea/assumption by enough of the writing here to prompt me to say something about it. The people that love you don't really know you? YEAH RIGHT. You don't know what they "know about you". you THINK you do. But you don't have the facts. You're making a huge fortune-telling error here.

"If they knew me they wouldn't love me". Again, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Have you tested it? I DARE YOU to test it. Because if you did, you'd find out the real truth, and maybe you'd stop lying to yourself with this mind-reading stuff. And yes, that is what you're doing. Lying to yourself while your depressed. Making yourself feel worse, simply because you feel bad to begin with. Just STOP IT for a second. Quit trying to have all the answers ala "they wouldnt' love me if they knew me, and those that know me don't REALLY know me". Take a chance and consider the idea that maybe you're just plain WRONG about this. Geeze.

Unknown said...

Thanks so much for your post, and your blog. You're not alone. Millions of Americans are suffering from adult and adolescent depression. Silver Hill Hospital has clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and treatment and provides hope for people who may not have been getting the right care. Talking/blogging about mental illness can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work.

tracy said...

Holy Moly, this sounds just like my family, especially my parents. And last night, between telling me to "Shut Up!", my husband told me i "made myself this way"....i have BPD.
i'm so sorry, especially 'cause i think i know how you feel :*( . At least, in some sort of way.....

salvora said...

I relate to this. I know from my experience that I can't tell others how bad I am feeling. I told once to my boyfriend and to my sisters and they didn't want to talk about it with me or help me in any way.

When that happened I felt that meant they didn't care for me. However, it doesn't mean they don't love you, does it? There are people who can't cope with it. Others understand but don't know what to say, they feel like they cannot be of any help.

We are limited, and so is everyone else.

Valerie said...

How ya doin', Aqua?

Post an update pretty please so we know you're hanging in there still...


I don't like what "anonymous" had to say for comments. I know exactly what it's like to have people not know the real you! Anyone that's dealt w/mental illness knows what that's like!