Friday, June 19, 2009

Disorganized, Disconnected and Despondent

I had an appointment with Dr. X. yesterday. Thank god. I am not feeling well at all. Sometimes it really helps to just sit across from him and know even if I give up, he won't. That is what he told me yesterday. He never gives up, even if nothing seems to work there are always other things to try. He will never give up on me, maybe change the plan, but never stop trying to help me.

I feel like giving up. I cannot mange to do my housework. My dog is completely overwhelming me and I find myself sitting in a daze starring at the wall, or breaking out into tears because I can't keep up with life.

This is extraordinarily embarrassing, because I want so badly to have a clean house and to be seen as tidy and organized; or "together and a desirable human being. However, since I moved into my place in mid-April I have vacuumed once, I have made periodic attempts to tidy my house, but if I tidy the living room I return to the kitchen and it is a disaster. If I manage to clean my studio area I walk into the living room and it is a mess again.

I am having a difficult time grocery shopping for myself, and even if I buy groceries I cannot seem to cook anymore, or eat well. I feel exhausted all the time, so when I am hungry I grab something I can just eat.

On Wednesday my food intake consisted of 1/2 a cinnamon bun, 7-8 crackers with peanut butter on them, a very white sandwich consisting of turkey, white cheese and white bread, a store bought chocolate milk, and a very stiff drink. The piece of lettuce on my sandwich was my only vegetable that day. I barely had the energy to make the drink. Lame.

Dishes, dirty clothes, art supplies, books, newspapers, dog toys and treats, art props, easels and unfinished paintings litter my house. Anything I pick up, look at or use remains wherever I last touched it. Nothing gets put away. The mess grows in leaps and bounds.

My dog completely overwhelms me right now. He is big, powerful and extremely headstrong and disobedient at 1 year old. I thought I had been working so hard to train him and ensure he becomes a well behaved dog. I spend so much time with him, I socialize him with other dogs and people. I try to teach him the basics; sit, down, stay, leave it and come. He follows my requests when he wants to. When we are alone at home. The instant another canine steps into the picture I become a invisible and ignored. I get so frustrated with his jumping and tugging on the leash; his general unruliness and his misbehaviour. I do not have the energy, or patience for a misbehaving dog. Sometimes I just break out in tears at how much my training and love has failed. I am crying just thinking about it. How could I have tried so hard, worked so hard, spent so much time and energy to ensure I have a good dog, and failed so miserably,

My husband (we have separated) used to tell me everyone has to do all the things I have trouble with; everyone has to do things they did not like to do. He used to tell me I wasn't sick, just lazy, or angry at having to do all these things. He said it so often that I started to believe it.

My new partner is so supportive and understands. Last night when I was crying about how I cannot keep up with the housework he said, "It is okay, your house isn't that messy, and it's clean. your mess is a clean mess, just some things out of place, but it's not that bad".

He's sweet. I don't believe his assessment of the situation,, but it's nice to not be berated for being to depressed to clean. It's good to know someone is understanding and gets how hard it is to keep up with the basics in life.


Anonymous said...

I am struggling; I think about dying most every waking moment. I came here trying to find some reason to live besides my 3 children and the pain and shame that killing myself will leave them. What kind of person does that to their kids?

I just don't see the point of all this living crap; people are so selfish and don't even realize it. They really think themselves giving and loving and it makes me so sad.

When the kids come over to visit, I am recently separated, I go through he motions of being a good father and interacting with them but inside I don't feel anything but sadness and loneliness. They must sense it because they don't really enjoy being around me unless I am doing "fun" things with them such as movies, shows, or amusement parks. I don't think they enjoy being around daddy for daddy's sake.

In the last year, I've lost a business, a wife and now my step father is dying and I wish it were me instead and I think about taking his medication and hoarding it for myself. I don't think I'm going to make it pasrt this summer and I have planned both a quiet suicide and also a rampage to "avenge" the people in my life who have wronged me. I long for peace and wonder what is missing in me that I don't seem to have the capacity for relationships and self first attitude that most people seem to have. I don't want to keep struggling with the way I feel and am just working towards the time when I feel it is right to leave; it is getting closer, of that I'm certain.

thanks for giving me a place to post this.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

This is how I feel too lately--well, who am I kidding. Always.

because I can't keep up with life.

I think a lot of folks in our position can't keep up with house work. And no we aren't lazy. It's hard to do anything when you're constantly depressed.

The one I'm embarrassed about most is my poor hygiene. I'm not a smelly person, which helps but It's embarrassing. Still I can't be bothered to do it.