Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I feel empty. My life has no meaning, no purpose. I am lost. I have been lost my whole life. I will be lost forever. Nothing fills me me up, makes me feel completely connected to my world for any length of time.
There are moments in my life where I feel connected, even happy, perhaps even joyous. Those times are always short lived, impossible to hold on to. As the moments quickly disappear I slip, once again, into an intense sense of existential nihilism.
I am nothing. I have been nothing. I will be nothing.
When I was a teenager, and as a young adult I used to believe these feelings were part of growing up, part of my immature self trying to discover its own definition. Why then does the emptiness and lack of a self definition continue into midlife? I still feel so lost and undefined. I fear I will always live a life like this.
My life will have woven its way through decades of experiences and I will have known no cohesive "me". I will not have been someone. I will have no one to remember me. My life will have been one long struggle to simply manage to be. My life will have been meaningless. I will disappear as though I had never existed.
The nothingness, emptiness and meaninglessness of life disturbs me