Dear Anonomous,
(You posted a comment on my recent post, "Disorganized, Disconnected and Despondent"),
You started your comment with the words, "I am struggling; I think about dying most every waking moment. I came here trying to find some reason to live..." I hope you will read more of my blog and know that there are so many reasons to live, even if the depression seems unbearable.
I am glad you felt safe post on my blog. I am very worried for you and the ones you once loved. It sound like you have so much pain inside. I feel for you, because I have so much pain inside me too.
It really struck me on two levels when you wrote, "They must sense it because they don't really enjoy being around me unless I am doing "fun" things with them such as movies, shows, or amusement parks. I don't think they enjoy being around daddy for daddy's sake. On one level I saw myself and how it seems my family needs me to be the happy, playful aqua in order for them to connect with me. Everyone wants and try very hard to avoid any reference to how depressed I am. So I feel like I need to be fake.
The other thing that struck me about your statement is that maybe I expected my Dad to play that role too. Maybe I have been too quick to judge him and too short on understanding that in divorce, and leaving the family he would have, and may still have a difficult time.
You mention both suicide and avenging those who hurt you. Those thoughts are difficult to have. I really hope you have the support you need to help these thoughts remain thoughts. Please reach out and find a therapist, or a psychiatrist who can help you.
Many many people feel like you do, or have felt like you feel. Medications and therapy can help you strengthen your love for yourself, and your compassion and love for others; even others who have hurt you.
I am not sure where you live, but most communities have mental health resources like Drs, nurses, or social workers and many others who support people with mental health issues. Also, the hospital is always there if you feel you may harm yourself or others. If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know my stay in the hospital really helped me when I needed it. It allowed me the time to just be, and to have no other responsibilities to manage.
Know I am thinking of you and all around you. I pray you are able to reach out and make your life one you feel is valuable and worthwhile. It may seem impossible from where you sit right now, and so much of the time it feels impossible to me to, but change and positive growth is possible with the right support. This blog is a celebration of that belief.
You may be wondering how I can say that when, with really good support I am still depressed. Yes, I am still depressed, but my psychiatrist has really helped me create a life worth living. I forget that sometimes, but he is there to support and remind me, and keep me on track when I fall off the path. Someone can help you discover yourself too. I know it.
Please let me know how you are and
Sing Yourself Into Breathing
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On a previous post, "Sheet Music" , I was extolling the value of singing
lessons. Harriet posted a comment about thinking about singing lessons to
help h...
15 years ago
2 comments:
Thank you for your encouraging words, Aqua.
My story is long and complicated, as I'm aware most are but I feel like I have run my course on this plane. I am sad all the time and just want peace; I just want it to stop aching in my chest and I want the emptiness to go away; I don't want to play this game anymore.
My three children spent the night with me last night, in the marital home as they call it, and we had a great time. We ate, we played last night as well as today and we laughed alot, but all of it had a sadness to it I just could't seem to shake. It's always like that for me these days.
I live in the home that my soon to be ex wife and I purchased for our first child, who is now seven. One of the first things we did was to buy a huge swing set for the back yard; it's a really cool set up with a slide, multiple swings and a covered look out all built into the unit.
Today, before their mother picked them up, the kids and I played on the swing set and my oldest daughter was closing her eyes and leaning her head way back and it seemed to me she was in her own wonderful world so I couldn't help but ask her what she was thinking. She replied that when she closes her eyes and swings she remembers all the "nice" things we used to do as a family. I almost burst into tears but maintained my composure enough to tell her that those were great times and that we would always have those memories. My other two children are 4 and 2 so they really don't fully understand that mommy and Daddy aren't going to be together anymore, but my 7 year old is familiar with and understands divorce is something that happens to many mommies and daddies so we talk about the separation from time to time and the lifestyle changes that she is experiencing. My soon to be ex and I use to own a business together and it provided a very comfortable life for us as a family complete with a nanny, multiple vacations to Disney world and very little considerations in what things cost. All that is over now and she is dealing with the changes remarkably well but still, she is a 7 year old and longs to go to Disney for her birthday, which has passed so she mentions it from time to time. I feel so sad when I can't give her the answer she wants to hear because the reality is that our income is now zero and we are both living on money we had from the closure of the business.
Anyway, I am pretty sure at this point that when I get down to my last 10 to 15 thousand dollars that I am going to take my family on one last trip to Disney.
I am conflicted about it because I don't want them to associate their favorite place on earth with the last time we were all together before my passing but I am leaning towards doing it.
Anyway, I know this is a little disjointed but I thought I would at least answer your kind post.
Once again, Thanks.
Hi Anonymous,
I'm not sure how long you have followed my posts, but what you describe, the emptiness, the severe sadness even when with people you love, that pain in your chest,...that feeling you "...don't want to play this game anymore."...I have felt this way too. I feel this way even now sometimes, but getting help with medications and a good dr or psychiatrist can change your life. Read the post I write today and I hope it helps you see how important it is for you to stay and help yourself...both for you and your kids.
Take care,
...aqua
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