Sunday, April 19, 2009

Health or Safety?

So much has been happening in my life. I went to see my husband (J). The entire night before I was torn. I did not know what to do. Should I return to him as he had requested the previous day?, or should I move onto a different life?

Being with someone for 18 years creates an intense connection and "safeness", even if things are not the way you want or need them to be. I kept looking at my new friend (I) and thinking how do I know this is what I want? How do I know I want to start a new life? How do I know J will be okay? He sounded so sad, desperate and broken when I spoke with him. After 18 years I feel an obligation to help J be okay through all this.

I phoned my stepmom and talked with her about what I should do. Without telling me what to do she asked me: "Do you want to be safe, or do you want to be healthy?"

It struck me deeply. My marriage has been very difficult the past few years. My husband has been drinking a large amount everyday. I feel he is constantly mad at me. I feel I have to be someone other than myself around him. I feel constantly criticized around him. I feel so lonely when I am with him, more lonely than when I am alone.

I started to imagine what my life 10, 20, 30 years from now. I saw myself back with J still feeling disconnected, alone, dismissed, criticized. I saw myself still extremely depressed. I envisioned what it would be like to be sad the rest of my life.

I knew my health had to come before safety. Sure I do not know what my life will be like without J, but I know what it has been like with him. It hasn't always been that way, but it has for a long time. I have tried to make it better, but it never changes. I do not want the rest of my life to be that way.

I told J that I needed to be by myself. I asked if he wanted to go to counselling. He said no. I still would go if it would help him and he wanted to, but I do not believe he will ever want to see a marriage counsellor.

I am sad that we could not make it work. I am sad for J. I am sorry I did what I did. I am, however, glad I had the power to protect myself and not go home. It would have been the safe thing to do, but not the best thing for my mental well being.

Yesterday morning a disheveled man, speaking strange words and chattering to himself, approached me. He came right up to me, touched my arm and said, "Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right". I looked at him and said, "Thank god, because everything has been pretty bad lately". He looked at me like he had known that all along.


jcat said...

he's right....everything will be ok. Just takes a bit of time and sorting out of stuff.


Dr. Shock said...

As you mentioned it is probably best to be on your own. Take some distance from your friend and husband. Take your time to think and feel for yourself. You're the most important person to yourself. They will still be there. Take care Dr shock

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

If he's not willing to go to therapy then it sounds like he's already made his decision. Hang in there girl.

Harriet said...

Aqua - how is everything going? You haven't written in a while. Are you ok?

Life said...

I was wondering how you are too, take care x

Polar Bear said...

Hey - are you OK?? You havent posted in a while. I'm worried about you.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

You're being brave and standing up for your health. You deserve something better than what you've been putting up with in J. Especially if he wouldn't even do counciling.

There is nothing more sad to see than an old couple fighting. You have a right to be happy and yourself. You don't have to submit to anyone who makes you feel that bad. You have a right to stand up for yourself and you did. And I'm proud of you girl!!

Here's to a new life and new discoveries!!