Friday, April 10, 2009


I am very worried and anxious.

My husband came back in the house and told me to get out with the dog by the time he came back to the house. So as of now we are "homeless". While Skookum and I have no home anymore we did check into the best hotel in the city. They allow dogs...even have a hotel dog you can take for a walk...very cute.

Yesterday I began the process of trying to find a place to rent. Thank god I have a great friend , E, who has been helping me. She is amazingly supportive. I hope I can return the favour someday (hopefully not for these circumstances though) one should have to ever go through this.

I called both my sisters to let them know where I was. Both of them are extremely angry at me, with my one sister saying: "What did you expect" and "You could have thought of me and the kids. We really love (my husband). I feel very distraught and alone; so scared that I keep disappearing into my bubble. It isn't helped by the fact that the two people in the world that I need to help me think I'm a bitch.

It is hard to explain to anyone why I cannot remain married to my spouse. He is a good man in so many ways. He just is not good for me. I need someone who lets me in; someone who is caring towards me in a nurturing way, someone who allows me to be the creative, loving, accepting, caring, singing, painting, teaching being I am meant to be.

Two of my readers, Shock and Jcat, two incredibly supportive people towards me, have given me good advice in my previous seek counselling, and tell Dr. X. I did tell Dr. X yesterday. He was so caring and supportive. There is a huge part of me that feels so ashamed of what I have done. I asked him if I had destroyed his perception of me, (because I feel I want so badly to be, and be seen as, a good person). What I have done to my husband is shameful. Dr X said no, but he had the saddest look on his face. I don't know if he felt sad that I would think that, or if he felt sad about what I had done. I think probably the former. I have a hard time believing anyone cares for me as much as he seems to. I don't feel I deserve so much compassion and lovingkindness. I always feel I am such a bad person. I guess what I have done pretty much reinforces that.

I called my husband yesterday and asked if he wanted to try counselling. He said, "no, counselling is out of the question because I have destroyed his trust in me, and that is the only thing that matters. He said he would never be able to forgive me, or trust me again. He also told me that his friends had been asking him for years why he stayed with me. He said he always loved me and believed in me. He told them I was a good person. He said ALL his friends had been trying to talk him into leaving me for years,

This really hurts me, as I felt they did not like me, but went into my relationships with them, believing I was just sick and paranoid...that despite my fears I was an outcast, they did like me as my husband told me over and over again.

To know I spent 18 years visiting with, and developing "friendships" with people who really abhorred me all this time is really distressing. It feels like abandonment. It feels like all my relationships except the ones with my personal friends have been completely false. It hurts me very very deeply.

anyways...I managed to get my own phone yesterday and called a few places, but no one accepted pets. So I will try again today. Please send positive energy my way. I really, really need it,


Hannah said...

Don't worry about the reactions from your family - I'm sure they must be in shock, they will come round eventually when they see you are happier apart from your husband.
I hope you manage to find a place to rent - in the mean time can't the man you are seeing help you out? must be costing a fortune staying in a hotel?

thinking of you - and don't neglect your health during all this instability.

Hann x

Harriet said...

I'm sorry things are so bad right now. I'm sure that Dr. X was feeling your sadness and that was showing on his face. You are not a bad person, quite the opposite actually. A bad marriage doesn't equal bad people. I wish your family was more supportive though :-(

Life said...

hi, sorry I have been missing, to be honest I am more pleased you are out, I am going by what I have read over the years, maybe??? It seemed you picked yourself up & he often knocked you down, I hope you manage to get somewhere to rent sorted, i can only imagine how incredibly painful others reactions are, but remember noone ever sees the truth of what happens in houses, I know I have been shocked by finding out the inside of peoples lifes, I mean people know in real life as opposed to online, you have an amazing personal strength, I truly hope in time you will look back on this and be almost glad you made the break for all the pain, this can be the start of the rest of your life. Take care of you as much as you possibly can x

jcat said...

Sheeeeit A! Everything seems to be deconstructing so fast suddenly.
Don't take anything that is said at the moment too much to heart, i.e. the 'ALL my friends...' remarks. If they had hated you for 18 years you would have realised it by now, and that is typically the sort of remark that is made in the chaos of a disintegrating relationship. Some of them might not like you, some of them might have wondered why the two of you stayed together...sure. But universal condemnation doesn't come overnight or as a surprise.

I'd reckon that Dr X looked sad when you told him for neither of the reasons you mentioned. I guess he feels sad because he cares for you and he knows that you are going to be facing some really tough and stressful times in the near future. For a caring and concerned pdoc, that would be an issue enough to make him look unhappy.

Your sisters' reactions must really hurt though, and I hope you can ignore what they have said for now. Yeah, as Hannah says, they are in shock. But it is still cruel and thoughtless of them not to show some support for you up front.

Good luck on finding a nice place to rent. Don't, please please don't, even think about moving in with your b/f. Not yet, and not under these circumstances. If that is going to happen, rather let the debris from now settle before you start afresh with him. For now, take whatever space you can find for yourself and Skookum, and work forward from there.

And as far as your husband goes, give it a couple of days, and then ask him again about counselling. Tell him that it doesn't have to be all about getting you back together if that isn't what either of you want, but that between you, you need to get an understanding of what went wrong and why, and how come it has all blown up so fast. Which, BTW, is not because of you and your friend, or not only because of that. So don't take all the blame and all the responsibility.

Much love, much good thought and many hugs to you right now. And if you and the mutt feel like a long flight, you have a home down here for a few months or more :-)


p.s. I suppose that saying 'happy easter' is a bit of a waste of breath?? But maybe look on it as a time of rebirth/reawakening too....

mysadalterego said...

Don't worry about this shit. If he was so sorry, he shouldn't have been doing things like calling you a bitch beforehand.

It sounds like you both wanted out. Finally the dance of that wanting out without doing anything got broken. You both are a little bit in shock. But you were both fairly horrible to each other before. It needed to be done.