Saturday, July 05, 2008
My BRAND NEW car!!!
This may appear to have nothing to do with my depression, but it is closely linked to my becoming more resilient. My new car symbolizes an increased desire to live. That may not make sense to anyone, but here's why I say that.
I have needed a new, or at least newer car, since I began seeing Dr. X. more than 6.5 years ago. The car I had was a 1986 car and always having problems. When my mom passed away Dr. X. and I discussed my getting a new/newer car. I refused as spending that amount of money, when I didn't think I was going to live much longer, did not make any sense to me. I did not want to spend money on a car when I could leave it to my husband instead. I did not want to live, and did not see myself in the future. Dr. X. and discussed this numerous times over the past couple years. He understood how symbolic a gesture it would be for me to buy a car.
On top of my not seeing myself existing in the future, I had intense panic and anxiety about going to the dealership, test driving cars, dealing with salesmen etc. Just thinking about trying to do that felt like an impossible task. These fears revolved around my difficulties dealing with men, anyone I saw as an "authority" figure, my fears of embarrassment and a million other fears. I would try to walk onto the car lot and then I would have to leave because I couldn't breathe, or felt like I was going to pass out with fear.
A month and a bit ago my sister came over and she helped me go look at cars and test drive a couple. It was easier with her there. She understood my fear and we had a plan to deal with the salespeople as a team, so I felt safer, protected, supported. I was inching my way towards getting a new car.
To push me a little closer towards a purchase I was about to lose access to the vehicle I was driving. For the past two years I had been borrowing my husband's truck (and he was driving my old car). Each year cars here are tested for carbon emissions; and this year there was absolutely no way my car was not going to pass aircare without expensive repairs to it's exhaust system. My husband wanted his truck back. We live on a farm and the only way to get off the farm is by car, there is no public transportation out here.
So, about three weeks ago, fueled by my fear I was going to get stuck on the farm forever, and the beauty of a pretty okay day (maybe fueled by a tiny bit more valium to calm be down), in terms of mood and anxiety, I called up the dealership and made arrangements to purchase a new car. It was an act towards deciding I was going to stick around for a while; that the car and the money I spent on it was not going to be wasted because I was going to be here to use that car.
Yesterday I bought and picked up my BRAND NEW car...just 3km on it when I drove it off the lot. I have never owned a new car before. I am very excited and I absolutely love it. Yay me!