Tuesday, July 08, 2008

A Life Not Worth Living

I don't know about all the medications I am on. I feel like stopping everything and seeing what I'm like for "real". I do not see the medications consistently helping me. I felt a surge of okay to good mood for the first while on Prozac, but for the last couple months my mood has been all over the map...up, down, really down, down even farther and up again.

I would have to say my mood overall (in the last 3-4 months) is better than it was before the Prozac and Valium and Tegretol and Dexedrine, but is It good? No way. It is not good. It is still mostly very, very bad.

I do not think of suicide almost everday like I did before, but I still have days and sometimes more where I think suicide is the only choice. Where I dream about how to do it, how to make my life finally end.

I still feel hopeless much of the time. I am so tired I am finding it almost impossible most days to get going. By that I mean the basics like having a shower, brushing my hair, getting dressed in anything other than sweatpants, leaving the house, painting, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, do my volunteer work(come on now...it's less than 6 hours a week. How hard can that be? Anything beyond laying in bed, or surfing the internet seems like an impossibly difficult chore.

It is 3:54 and all I have I managed to do today is to get out of bed at 9:00, shower without washing my hair and get dressed at noon, play my guitar for 15 minutes and sit at the computer waiting for 4:00pm when I feel it is a reasonable time to have a nap.

I will nap until 6 or 7pm, not be able to cook dinner, but maybe manage to make myself a fruit/yougurt smoothie, watch t.v. for a couple hours and then feel like it's okay to go to bed and then it will all begin again tomorrow.

This is not a life worth living. This is waiting to die; waiting for it all to be over, waiting for an end to this search and struggle for purpose and meaning in a body that cannot find the will, the power, or the energy to create or develop that purpose and meaning.

In retrospect: Please read this


Mind Body Shop said...

Maybe life is not for everyone?

Aqua said...

Yes, I agree, maybe it's not. I've often thought that about mine. I wish I had the courage to go.

Dr. Shock said...

Life not for everyone? Crap, just read
Regards Dr Shock

Hannah said...

I just read your post and then read the letter to yourself that Dr. Shock pointed you back to.
What a beautiful letter and what a lovely way of reminding yourself of the extreme value your life holds. The idea that we are a gift to someone really made me think, I hope you get through this tough time, your writing was a special gift to me today, thank you xx

Annie said...

Aqua,I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. To me the question is not so much about the debate of life or death as it is the question; if you could feel better would you want to live? When you don't feel like you can make it on your own then reach out. You have reached out and shared with us. Maybe you can reach out to a friend or a pdoc? I will be thinking about you in your struggles! Annie

Aqua said...

Dr. Shock: point taken, read the letter. Thanks.

Hannah: Thank you. I am glad the letter spoke to you.

Annie: I guess my concern is that I will NEVER BE better. Absolutely, yes, if I were feeling better and were able to get my life back on track I would want to keep going. It's just the thought of being depressed (or not having a stable mood) forever is overwhelming. I am feeling overwhelmed right now, that's all. I will get through it. I always seem to somehow. For me writing it out helps get the bad thoughts out of my head, like a release. Thanks.

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

Aqua, my heart is with you. I'm glad you reread your letter. I understand the desire to just quit and start from scratch. And for some people, that can be very helpful. We recently ended up doing that unintentionally with my oldest son who has bipolar. He ended up off his mood stabilizer for 8 days while the doctor's office argued with the pharmacy. I was reminded exactly why he is on them.

On the other hand, my mother, in a fit of anger at her psychiatrist, quit all of her meds cold turkey and declared that she will never again go on psych meds because she can't stand the crashes that seem to inevitably come. She is now so unstable that even I have run out excuses for her. I miss my mom and I'm sad that she quit trying.

Don't give up, regardless of what direction you end up going with your meds. You have love and support all around you. You are in my thoughts...