Saturday, July 26, 2008


I am at my sister's. She lives about 250 km from me, in the town my Mom used to live in before she died. I used to come to this town all the time, but since Mom died it is almost impossible for me to come here. It feels empty and I feel alone and sad, even when surrounded by the family I love.

Yesterday I drove to the house my Mom used to live in. I haven't been there since she passed away. I pulled over at the side of the road across from her house and sobbed. I am crying right now. The loss of my Mom and how it has affected me is impossible to relay. I loved her more than anything in the world and three years after her death I am still having a really difficult time accepting I will never see her again.

I have been at my sister's for a few days now. I love my sister and her kids so much, but I feel more alone with them, than I do when I am alone at home. We rarely talk about Mom, and I feel like my presence is a reminder to her of our loss, and her presence is a reminder to me of that loss. I just want to go home, but I have to go to a family wedding today.

I am dreading it, in the same way I dreaded that party two weeks ago. I already feel dissociative and I'm not even there yet. I am exhausted and afraid of all the people I will have to be someone else for. All I want to do is go back to bed.


Jazz said...

*hugs* to you, Aqua.

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

i am sorry you are feeling your loss so keenly. not being able to speak about her does not seem entirely helpful.

i find it amazing how we can feel the most alone when we are not able to be alone, the most rejected by the people who love us, and the most afraid in situations that "should" be pleasurable.

i went on "vacation" with my "friends" for a "relaxing" motorcycle ride to a "fun" festival.... thank goodness for xanax or i never would have made it through.

Aqua said...

Thanks for the support Jazz and SV,
Very funny,and true, observations SV. I took a little more Valium than usual and I am sure that's why I managed to survive the time I was away.