Thursday, May 29, 2008

My Soul Wants to Trust

Me: You must have noticed I have trouble trusting?

Dr. X.: No, I haven't really noticed that.

Me: You have to be kidding. I waffle back and forth between totally and completely trusting you and then thinking you are being disingenuous. It is not you though. You have shown you are completely trustworthy. It is me. I don't trust people.

Dr. X. : I have not seen that.

These are moments that make me go huh?

How can I think this, feel this, KNOW I am like this and no one sees that in me. I told him he would see what I meant if he read my blog, because while I believe he is an incredible doctor and I believe he is knowledgeable and I believe we have the best therapeutic alliance I could ever hope for, I often still feel scared. I sometimes feel suspicious or paranoid or afraid of him and our work together.

Dr. X., "You mean like you are afraid it is too good to be true?" [Our therapeutic alliance, his caring about me, his compassion and trustworthiness etc.]

Exactly! Exactly!

Everything I believe in, everyone I trust hurts me or dies, or disappears. I am afraid that if I believe and trust in him I will be hurt the same way the other important men in my life hurt me. It is like I think he is my Dad; someone I always try to seek approval from, try to make care about me and every time I let my guard down and think I can trust him, I can let him in....every time he dismisses me, or does, or says something that hurts me or that reminds me I am nothing. Every time I try I get sent back to square one. The unpredictability destroys my trust (though you would think by now I would just stop trying...but to me that is not an option)

Maybe it is not that I don't trust, but that I trust too much. A friend at the Art clubhouse and I were talking and he said it was funny how you would think so much depression and mental illness would make me jaded, but I'm not.

Me (To Dr. X.): I know you think I am jaded, because you see me when I am so sad all the time, but really I am not jaded. When I feel well I feel like the world is this perfectly beautiful place. I don't know if it is just me, but I am astounded by all the details in life and in everything on this earth. It almost feels like I have achieved some godly state of being when I feel well...I am ensconced in this world that simply is total beauty and it feels breathtaking to stand amongst such sublime surroundings.

Dr. X.: I do not think you are jaded. I think sometimes when you are really depressed you sometimes struggle against being jaded.

I was glad he said that, because I think, in spite of the hell I go through, when I am on the other side I want so hard to believe. To believe in love, to believe in caring and kindness, to believe I am likable, to believe I will be loved, I am loved and cared for. I want so hard to believe that I do make a difference to some people; that it matters what I do, that one day my purpose will become apparent, or even better I will choose my purpose. I want my life to matter.


deepblue said...

what a beautiful post about what really want deep inside and the things that sometimes keep us from feeling it.

Aqua said...

Thanks Deepblue,
Even though I am starting to feel better I feel so stuck in the same patterns of thinking. I really want to change.

Michelle S. said...

It is sooo hard to change the way we think even when logically we know it is a good thing to do and/or that our thinking is not "right". For many years I have felt somewhat like a "fraud" at my WHAT am I doing here? And yet I KNOW I am doing OK based on reviews and feedback I get...nonetheless I still continue to feel like I am the "depressed/anxious one and how can they not see right through me.". Good luck with your journey. I am really enjoying reading your blog.

Annie said...

Aqua-You are so open with your writing and it is helpful to read your posts. It sounds like you have a trustworthy therapist and that will help you sort through your feelings. Take care of yourself! Annie

Polar Bear said...

Ah yes. The trust issue. It IS hard to trust, espcially when there ahve been many people in our lives who have abused that trust.

Im not sure if I am someone who has trouble trusting. Sometimes i think I do, and sometimes I think I trust TOO much and TOO easily. Because a lot of times I NEED to. Trust, that is.

It's a tricky one.

I'm glad you seem optimistic tho. Yes, I want so hard to believe too.

Aqua said...

Thanks Michelle s., Annie and Polar Bear,
I think I DO trust to begin with, but I get hurt so often it is hard to trust again and again. I am not sure why, but it seems the people I trust the most are the ones who hurt me the most and that REALLY affects how I trust the next time.