Thursday, May 08, 2008

I SHOULD Have Stayed in Bed...

I had my pdoc appt this morning. I should have stayed in bed. I sat there wondering if I should continue therapy, continue medications, continue any of this. I sat there feeling overexposed and under protected, listened to, but unable to say what I feel...partially because I feel nothing and partially because I feel like I'm just biding time until I die.

I see no real change in my perceptions taking place. A friend told me about an exercise she was doing, whereby you think of all the things you do now and then repeat the exercise with all the things you would do if you knew you only had had 2 years to live, or what if you had only two weeks, or even less...2 days. When she explained the exercise to me it sounded so much like the type of existential exercise I find so very powerful.

I sat down and tried to put down on paper how my life would change if I had a pre-determined, set time to live. The first thing I thought of was I would call my sisters and express to them how much I love them, the same with my nieces. However, I already do this on a very regular basis, so nothing would really change there. My next thought was that I would feel intense relief knowing life would soon be over. I decided, for me, nothing would change.

I would continue to wait to die, just like always. Dr. X. said maybe we are all waiting to die, but in between we can do things in our life to make the waiting less difficult. I know what he was trying to say...we all die, but we all can impact the time in between, even if in small ways.

I'm sitting there looking at him thinking..."what the hell do you know about waiting to die? You have an interesting job, that you are good at and well compensated for. You have kids to live for and love, you have the energy to ride your bike and to play the piano and to enjoy living."

I know that sounds harsh...but I just felt an intense disconnect between my situation and his. His is the situation I worked so hard to get into and failed so miserably at. I may not have been able to be a Dr., but I had the skills and knowledge to do something with my life that mattered, something I loved: then my lifelong anxiety kept increasing and it and my depression just took me down. Maybe I should be grateful that now I am only "waiting" and not "willing, or making plans on how to make myself die.

That is what I feel Prozac has done for me; changed my wanting to kill myself into, wanting to die. Something I have felt for so many years I have a hard time remembering any extended period where I did not feel like I wanted to die. Is it worth it?

I've been listening to some of my old cds and my whole headspace sort of reminds me of that Smiths song "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" :

"Park the car at the side of the road
You should know
Time's tide will smother you
And I will too
When you laugh about people who feel so
Very lonely
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
I wish I could laugh
But that joke isn't funny anymore
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
More than you'll ever know ...


...It was dark as I drove the point home
And on cold leather seats
Well, it suddenly struck me
I just might die with a smile on my
Face after all

Knowing when I was going to die would be like putting a smile on my face. Life seems to be the big joke I'm not finding funny anymore. Well, really, I haven't found the joke funny for a long time.

Then, after my pdoc appointment, in case I needed another reason for staying in bed, I was the lucky recipient of a $196.00 speeding ticket; all because my road rage kicked in when the twit in the LEFT (passing lane in Canada) lane was dawdling at 40kms/hr in both the passing lane and a lane that was 50 km zone, and crossing the centre line between the two lanes.

I decided the person was going to cause an accident and I needed to get out of the way, so I saw a break in traffic on the right side, slid in and hit the accelerator to pass the idiot's car quickly. I guess a little too quickly, because as soon as my overdrive kicked in an "insane" policeman stepped out right in front of me on the highway...he's lucky I was paying attention as he was pretty close to me when he stepped out...anyways, to make a long story short it ended in him giving me a ticket with a huge fine and me saying "thank you"...can you believe that???

Who's the insane one? Oh yeah that would be ME!!!!...I bet he walked away laughing at me saying thank you for his ticket writing skills...Oy! I should have stayed in bed.


Polar Bear said...

Sorry about the ticket. Yeah, that would really suck.

I'm also sorry that you feel this way about your life - that you are just waiting to die. In a way, sometimes I feel that way too. I have this fantasy I play in my head, about getting cancer, being told I have 6 months to live. No more worries. I'd do everything I want to do - which is probably go visit my brother in San Francisco one more time, then return and play out the rest of my life, or whatever was left.

It wouldn't be that big a drama. I live a quiet life, and I figure I'd die a quiet death too.

I'm sorry if I have further depressed you. I didn't mean to. I just wanted to say, hey, I know how things can be sometimes. Maybe we can still hope that someday it won't be so painful ALL THE TIME.

Aqua said...

Thanks Polar Bear,
Your comments didn't make me more depressed, they made me feel understood.

I have a quiet life too and really, dying would be easier than what I have now...that's just my knowing my own reality.
...take care,

jcat said...

I've spent so much time feeling like that, it kind of seems like that is more normal than not feeling like that does.

Mostly I figure too that if I found out I was really dying I probably wouldn't do anything in particular - there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, except for me.

At the moment though, with still feeling so good...I want to live forever, if the dude can be part of that too. I want to do all the things I normally do anyway, but this time with real enjoyment. That is enough....

Sorry about the ticket. I also always thank the cop, because I figure that mostly I deserve it anyway - even if I disagree with the rules, it's still my choice to break them - and also because almost everyone gives them a hard time. Plus, at least if you are friendly and polite, they don't look too hard for any other violations!


Aqua said...

Hi Jcat,
I am glad you fel like "you want to live forever...[and] do all the things [you] normally do anyway, but this time with real enjoyment".

I know you get what it is I feel, but I hope that feeling never comes back to you. I hope you have the desire to live forever.