Sunday, May 11, 2008

Invisible

I feel like a slug: a sick slug, a slug more sluggish than a slug. I could barely drag myself out of bed today. Maybe I am sick on top of being depressed, I don't feel physically or mentally well, but I suspect the illness is hypochondriacal and brought on by how depressed I feel.

Yesterday I had intense urges to end it all. I have the means as I have hoarded all my leftover meds and still have all my dogs phenobarbital and heart medication. Despite those intense feelings I managed to stop myself from acting. It is not good for me to be alone when I feel like that. I came so close to taking all those pills and just ending it all.

What stopped me? My family. The thought of my husband having to find me dead was too much responsibility for me to place on his shoulders, so I lay down on the bed and clung to the covers and waited for him to come home. He didn't notice I was unwell, like he never notices I need help. It is like I am invisible to him. That really hurts me.

I feel like that a lot; like I am invisible. It is Mother's day and I really miss my Mom. I never felt invisible with her. Even on Mother's Day she would send me a "Happy Aunty's Day" card. She was so thoughtful that way. Without my Mom, without a job, without kids, without the energy to maintain my household even to minimal standards, without the energy to return calls and e-mails, to meet with friends and keep friendships going, without the energy to be a good wife...I have made myself invisible in this world.

6 comments:

Coco said...

Dear Aqua, you are not invisible... I can hear you and "see" you. So can many others. Despite your lack of energy to put towards the things you want to, you are still worth so much. Please hang on.

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Congratulations on staying with us. It is a very brave choice and I, personally, am glad that you are choosing that route. You aren't invisible to me (and to the other readers of your blog) and I would miss you sorely if you gave up.

It is heartening somehow, knowing that I am not alone in the feelings I have in common with this post. Your strength gives me strength. You may not feel strong, but you went back to bed instead of giving up. That takes strength.

At the risk of sounding condescending, which is the farther from my intentions, I am proud of you.

Annie said...

Aqua, It is so hard to confront wanting to die and you found a way to take care of yourself. I respect your commitment to your husband as well as to yourself. I can remember having similar feelings.
I too miss my mother and we shared having bipolar. She always asked how I was feeling. For me, when I am depressed I assume others can feel my pain. My mother was the only one who understood. Thank you so much for a special heartfelt post. You said so much and reached out which for me it seems so hard to do! Annie

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I'm glad that you hung in there sweetie. I wish that your husband was more sympathetic, thank goodness you have the blogging world.

No one understands what it's like better than a fellow traveler.

Life really sucks sometimes though and it's o.k. to express that.

Aqua said...

Thank you so much fellow bloggers,

Your posts made me cry (in the way that you do when you feel cared about).

I was really having a rough time the past few days, but my mood lifted a bit today and I see possibilities again. I can't express how much it means to me to feel others are rooting for me to endure and recover. Thanks,
...aqua

Wendy - Caleb's Mom said...

I read you blog today (26 May) and wanted to tell you some of my feelings on how you were feeling. My son's 4th memorial day will be 28 May - he died by suicide. I can't begin to describe the pain and suffering his brothers, sisters and I have suffered, I'm sure if he knew he would not have left us like he did. You are not invisible - the lack of energy, feelings of depression are temporary - life possibilities are forever. Throw away that horde of drugs, you don't need them and you will feel suddenly stronger and more courageous than you ever could imagine by doing so. Hold on sweetie - hold on.