Am I Overdoing Things?

I had a really great session today. It was so full of hope and heard many expressions come out of my mouth about my feeling like I am indeed moving forward; increasing my resiliency.

I'm not sure if others have this experience in therapy, but I often do despite KNOWING my pdoc is perfect for me and is always caring and thoughtful. I subconsciously re-enact life experience situations in my relationship with him. Yesterday when I was describing Dr, Bennington-Davis' speech I felt this intense feeling that Dr. X. was scrutinizing me/re-traumatizing me; as I became aware of the dynamic it felt like my Dad and how he acts/acted towards me when I found something interesting, or wanted him to find what I was saying valuable. I feel bad because I brought that up with Dr. X; although I expressed that I know it is not him, it is my reaction to him, I still feel bad for feeling that way.

I wasn't very nice of me to tell Dr, X. I was feeling some kind of minor re-traumatization. I didn't mean it that way. Part of what was going on was his proximity to me. He was sitting closer than normal to me and I felt he was too close to me. I found that uncomfortable.

Also, I am almost afraid to say I feel better to him for fear of rejection or loss of support. Maybe that was what it was. I don't know. Whatever it was it was nothing about anything he was doing it was me perceiving in a weird way.

On another note: My husband and I just got in a fight about how much I am doing at the art clubhouse and how I am unable to do anything else, including cook for myself, or him, eat properly, go to the store to buy food, clean the house and my intense fatigue at 4:00/4:30 that causes me to sleep for 2-2.5 hrs.

He says I am doing all the work at the studio because I am seeking approval and that all it will take is one person making a nasty comment to me and my whole world will come crashing down. He is concerned that I am burning out now, and will burnout even more if I volunteer more (I want to apply to teach a teen/young adult group as I though thought it would be good experience).

I see some sense in what he is saying, but I also hear Dr X's voice, "use this energy to push ahead" from last summer when I was a bit too high after coming off Valium. I feel like this is similar in that I need to use the energy I have between morning and 4pm to do things that make me feel good.

Unfortunately, like my husband I do see my health re: bad food, not cooking , not eating etc. is at risk, as is my messy house and undone chores. I feel like I have this very limited energy supply and to waste any of it on something I don't want to do, or don't find intensely pleasing seems like a waste of precious good mood and energy.

I am having a very difficult time finding balance in my life at this time. Dr. X. said the crash at 4pm could be a symptom of Atypical depression, and he has also read literature about MAOI's causing a similar experience. It makes no sense to me that the Prozac is causing this phenomena as it has such a long half-life. Whatever is going on I know I need to do more at home, but I really want to become resilient enough to get back to work. Right now that seems like a more important priority.