Friday, May 23, 2008

Am I Overdoing Things?

I had a really great session today. It was so full of hope and heard many expressions come out of my mouth about my feeling like I am indeed moving forward; increasing my resiliency.

I'm not sure if others have this experience in therapy, but I often do despite KNOWING my pdoc is perfect for me and is always caring and thoughtful. I subconsciously re-enact life experience situations in my relationship with him. Yesterday when I was describing Dr, Bennington-Davis' speech I felt this intense feeling that Dr. X. was scrutinizing me/re-traumatizing me; as I became aware of the dynamic it felt like my Dad and how he acts/acted towards me when I found something interesting, or wanted him to find what I was saying valuable. I feel bad because I brought that up with Dr. X; although I expressed that I know it is not him, it is my reaction to him, I still feel bad for feeling that way.

I wasn't very nice of me to tell Dr, X. I was feeling some kind of minor re-traumatization. I didn't mean it that way. Part of what was going on was his proximity to me. He was sitting closer than normal to me and I felt he was too close to me. I found that uncomfortable.

Also, I am almost afraid to say I feel better to him for fear of rejection or loss of support. Maybe that was what it was. I don't know. Whatever it was it was nothing about anything he was doing it was me perceiving in a weird way.

On another note: My husband and I just got in a fight about how much I am doing at the art clubhouse and how I am unable to do anything else, including cook for myself, or him, eat properly, go to the store to buy food, clean the house and my intense fatigue at 4:00/4:30 that causes me to sleep for 2-2.5 hrs.

He says I am doing all the work at the studio because I am seeking approval and that all it will take is one person making a nasty comment to me and my whole world will come crashing down. He is concerned that I am burning out now, and will burnout even more if I volunteer more (I want to apply to teach a teen/young adult group as I though thought it would be good experience).

I see some sense in what he is saying, but I also hear Dr X's voice, "use this energy to push ahead" from last summer when I was a bit too high after coming off Valium. I feel like this is similar in that I need to use the energy I have between morning and 4pm to do things that make me feel good.

Unfortunately, like my husband I do see my health re: bad food, not cooking , not eating etc. is at risk, as is my messy house and undone chores. I feel like I have this very limited energy supply and to waste any of it on something I don't want to do, or don't find intensely pleasing seems like a waste of precious good mood and energy.

I am having a very difficult time finding balance in my life at this time. Dr. X. said the crash at 4pm could be a symptom of Atypical depression, and he has also read literature about MAOI's causing a similar experience. It makes no sense to me that the Prozac is causing this phenomena as it has such a long half-life. Whatever is going on I know I need to do more at home, but I really want to become resilient enough to get back to work. Right now that seems like a more important priority.


Coco said...

I hope you find some balance. Sometimes I think we just have to force ourselves to do (even a few)unwanted tasks. I know I do. But for you, I hear your struggle, as you're trying to make hay while the sun shines, and you want to give it all you've got in order to secure your future. Could you perhaps hire a maid? Kidding. Warm thoughts...

Aqua said...

Thanks Coco,
I know I really need to force myself to do some unwanted tasks. I did try for a while to have someone come in and clean my house, but I really cannot afford to do that. It seems that although I feel much better I am still having difficulty with some things like energy to take care of myself and my surroundings. Maybe I will try to do one small task a day.

deepblue said...

Hello! I am new to your blog but I appreciate hearing about the things you are going through. It is a relief to hear about others' experiences. So, thanks for your blog. I will keep checking back.

Aqua said...

Hi Deepblue,
Welcome. I dropped by your blog this a.m. and see we are both struggling against similar things. I am glad you have stopped by. I hope I hear from you again.