Opening Up Too Much

I just got back from my therapy session. I have mixed feelings about how it went and how much I opened myself up to Dr. X.

All day yesterday and last night I was so excited about the paintings I had done, so last night I really wanted to share my joy with Dr. X. This morning I awoke with a feeling of shame, or impending doom about my art and sharing it with my pdoc. I wrapped the paintings up and put them in my truck anyways, so I at least had the option to decide once I got to his office.

I've been trying to figure out why I felt ashamed, or feared embarrassment, or was afraid of (hidden) criticism, or had a sense of doom around sharing my pictures, when yesterday I was so really excited and happy to share them with everyone at the studio.

I think one reason is that what he thinks about me matters more to me than what others think about me. This is a strange dynamic. I think partly it has to do with him being a man. Maybe also as a man I project my father onto him. My father would be the only other person from whom I would fear criticism, or a negative reaction.

Dr. X. is probably the exact opposite of my father in terms of personality, temperament and reactions to me, but because he is in a position of power, because I (still) have difficulty trusting the authenticity of his reactions to me, because I sense a big part of his job, and therefore his relationship with me, is to judge me (to judge my wellness, my personality, my pathology, etc.), I feel fearful, that while outwardly he is accepting me, inwardly he just thinks I'm a complete loser. A failure as a human being.

There is absolutely nothing that Dr. X. has ever done that would lead me to believe he feels like this. He is consistently supportive, kind, caring and warm, but the feeling and fear still lurks in me for some reason. I try really hard to overcome that fear. Today I did bring my paintings in for him to see to with that goal in mind, but as I showed him I had a sinking feeling. I talked with him about it, but I couldn't really express why I was feeling that way. I still am having a hard time explaining it.

On top of sharing my paintings, I also shared my blog address with him. Part of me thinks it would be great if he could read what I blog about, because I seem to be able to be more open and articulate here because I have had a chance to digest how I feel.

The other part of me fears that I have left myself too open on this blog; that I am opening myself up for judgement. Giving him my blog address is in effect challenging that fear; understanding that I have left myself open and vulnerable to judgement, yet pushing myself to do that anyways. Maybe the more I allow that to happen, the more I will be able to overcome those fears.