Tuesday, July 31, 2007

You Won't Die From Not Sleeping!

My pdoc said this to me, jokingly, this morning. I am WIRED for sound right now. I cannot sleep. Last night I went to bed at 9:30, because I had a busy day ahead of me today. So much for "sleep management" at 11:30 I was still awake, 12:00, still awake, somewhere around 12:30 drifting of and then 2:30-ish WIDE awake and could not, no matter how hard I tried, get back to sleep.

It has been awful...all week I finally fall asleep only to wake 2,3 or 4 hours later (one day 5 hours...WOOHOO!!) I maybe drift off for a few minutes here and there, and although I don't seem to be sleeping, a couple times I dreamt, so I must have been....but I look at the clock...and barely any time has gone by. By the third night of not sleeping I took some muscle relaxants to try to help me (thus the 5 hrs sleep)...but tried again the next night, and then again last night, and nothing.

On top of it I have so much more energy, but it is just racing through me. I don't feel like I am appearing/acting that odd, or that my actions are expressing the amount of energy I feel inside. I'm still having motivation problems....but inside I am explosive, heart racing, anxiety ridden, irritable to raging angry and then depressed, but the depression is not laying on me like a fog, it's coming at me like a raging river, pouring out of me at inopportune times. In between I feel elated, excited, energized...even with no sleep. I don't know what's going on?

Withdrawal from Valium might explain some of the symptoms...like maybe I am having rebound sleeplessness, irritability and anxiety. I was taking 10 mg for almost 10mos and then about 1-2 mos ago I increased it to 15 and then sometimes 20mg. I started taking more because I just couldn't face how I was feeling.

I did come off 15-20 mg rather quickly (over a week period), but I knew, psychologically I could not go off slowly...I have tried and always fail. I believe I have had excessively happy hypomanias years ago...where I did not sleep and did some bizarre things that I cannot imagine myself doing now. This is different though.

I am really wondering if this might be my first "true" hypomanic state, since I started to see a psychiatrist. Usually, when my mood has gone up, it only lasts 1-2 days and most of my other symptoms just disappear...no anxiety, no irritability...still no sleep, but basically the depression disappears and I am replaced with a joyous counterpart who exudes strength and charisma.

This time I am all over the map, and it is not making sense to me that I have this much wild energy racing through me, but still feel so many bad feelings...(depression, guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety). All I want is to sleep, but I asked my pdoc what to do and he said he did not want to take all this energy away from me. I was hoping he would give me something to help me sleep...Why can't I ask more directly?

He said he did not want to sedate me when I finally was feeling more energetic. He wants me to look at it and use it in a positive way, because I have been so depressed for such a long time with no break in my mood.

He said, he doesn't want me to feel like he is not supporting me, or dismissing how difficult not sleeping is, by saying that, but he wants me to really try to use this time to push forward.

I understand what he's saying, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't really have a choice though, unless I go get some OTC sleep aid.

It just so happens I "gave up" my hoarded old meds to him last week...trusting I would get medication if I felt I needed it. If I had not given them to him I could be sleeping right now as I had some trazadone. I do recognize that OTC's and/or "self medicating" with old meds would be counter-productive to what my pdoc is saying...I just don't know if I can keep up this racing pace, with no sleep, for another week. Argh...God, please...let me be normal again!!!

1 comment:

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