Thursday, July 05, 2007


Just now I started thinking about the whole scenario I just wrote about yesterday. What are the chances that a person I am a volunteer with at the studio would have the exact same thing happen to them at the exact time when I need to do exactly what they were able to do, i.e. stand up and say my symptoms are making me too ill to continue the commitment I made.

Then I started thinking maybe the whole thing was a set-up. (...because of course the world rotates around me....not!). I live in a pretty large city. At the studio there are about 400 members, approximately 20 of whom come in fairly frequently, like my co-worker and I, and some who come in very rarely if ever.

What are the chances one of those people would volunteer to do the exact same position as me and then have such similar circumstances, but be able to follow through on their commitment to themselves, while I tread water and try to save myself from drowning. I suggest highly unlikely and improbable.

I'm feeling paranoid again. (Can you be paranoid if you you think you might be paranoid???) I'm unsure about that one??? I think I'm feeling spied on again. Like the person was checking me out on behalf of my pdoc. I have to say, given what my pdoc is like, this does sound strange as I'm writing it and even highly unlikely.

I always feel like no one gets how I can be so depressed, yet become the person other's need me to be in the moment. For example, I am amiable, conscientious, caring, seemingly energetic during my classes...then I crash the second I leave the situation. Everyone, except those close to me, says I don't act or seem depressed. I think I worry my pdoc doesn't believe how much I am suffering. I am scared I am going to slip through the cracks and end up with no psychiatric help, still severely depressed, no job and no way to be able to take care of myself.

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