Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It All changed this Morning

I woke this a.m. to go see my pdoc. All I wrote yesterday seemed like gibberish. I felt more stable this a.m than usual. So I abandoned the plan to get him to read how I'm feeling and decided to act on an important thing we have been working on in therapy..

Last week, after entreating me for 2 weeks to bring in my hoarded meds, he made a direct request for me to do so. He never does that. It got me thinking all week about what he has said to over the years about my suicidal thoughts and how hoarding old meds and especially sedatives was an unhealthy "safety net".

My safety net was what I called them...because I felt if I just couldn't go on I would have a way out if I saved as much as I could. The problem becomes I start obsessing about whether they will work or not, whether I will actually die if I take them, whether I had enough to die and not do just physical damage to my body, how I can ensure I die. The other thing these hoarded meds do is tempt me to misuse the old sedatives to help me calm down. It's not fair to me or my pdoc. How the hell is my pdoc supposed to assess me if I'm start taking things he doesn't know about, on top of what he's prescribed.

So today I put the meds in my bag, took them out, put them back in...then I exited the house, went to his office and told him I had them with me, but I was not sure if I could give them up.

He never insisted, in fact the opposite. He said it was my choice. I felt good about that understanding that I require autonomy and reflected on how them sitting in my dresser taunting me to take them was truly unhealthy.

I handed them to him. It was a good decision. Last time I did this I had a fairly large amount of epival and I realize that as soon as I handed in that hoard I immediately stopped obsessing about killing myself with Epival.

I feel more honest now. I feel like I am learning to trust that should I need something to help me again my pdoc will be there for me still. I think for some reason I fear being left with no way to feel even a bit of relief. Like what if he left and all my support systems broke down. He said he's not going anywhere. I'm going to try to trust that statement and let go of the fear I will be abandoned and desperately ill, with no one willing to help me.

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