Saturday, August 04, 2007

Hypomanic? Can I keep up this pace?

I have not had this much energy in a long time. Problem is I am sleeping on average 2 - 4 hrs/night (and that's with it being an hour here and there and awake the rest of the night), but I have more energy than I have had in ages.

It has not all been good energy. I am so anxious it is brutal. I've been having some of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in a long time. I feel this anxious energy racing through me. It feels really physical...I can't breathe, get a deep breathe, chest pains. It is not stopping me from doing things though, like it usually does. It is almost like my anxiety is pushing me to do things..

I keep thinking of Dr. X. saying... "I want you to use this energy to push forward". It has become my mantra since I saw him on Tuesday.
  • On Wednesday:

I volunteered at the studio all day. The older adults pottery class I was helping with was having an "end of class tea". I was so energized setting up for class and had to try really hard to SLOW down during the class (didn't want to freak anyone out...but I was extra bubbly/effervescent quite a few times...just can't contain the energy). By the end of class I was just pacing like a caged cougar....let me out!!!!

I thought I would be bagged by lunch...but my energy kept increasing and was so bad (anxious/irritable/depressed) and high (surging energy inside, can't sit still, want to just go, go, go), both at the same time, I thought I was really losing it. I thought about going to the hospital or calling Dr. X. (something I rarely do...I've called him maybe 3-4 times in 6 years), but I kept thinking...push forward, push forward.

I managed to get back to the studio and help interview a secretary for the position we posted. (I love that they involve me in these things...what a great place!!!). I was ON....I really felt that even though I was feeling REALLY distractable. I saw and shared so many things that were important during the interview...things I don't think my slowed down mind would see. I felt productive and intelligent again...a combination I have not felt in eons.

  • On Thursday:

I got out of bed early...after no sleep and was just racing with energy again. I was so stressed out/anxious/irritable, but I managed to think about how I could use all this energy positively. Swimming is my favourite thing in the world, but when I'm depressed I just cannot motivate myself to go. With my mood mixed with depression and this energy I had the energy, but was having trouble with motivation still. Jim said, "just go to the pool and swim one length". I felt so supported and thought, yeah, I could do that.

So I went to the pool and I swam MORE than 1.2 km... that's 48/25m lengths ...I lost count after that, but kept going for quite a few more. I finally stopped because I thought...Oh god, I'm going to be sore tomorrow, given I haven't swam a single length in more than 2 years. That thought only occurred AFTER I had done the damage...I was in pain that night...but felt so good about what I had done.

  • On Friday:

Even though I had tons of energy in the a.m. it was all mixed up anxiety/depression/irritability. I still managed to push forward. I went to the studio all afternoon. I was so up, high and talkative. Maybe verging on annoying and/or obnoxious at times. I get a bit pushy/overexcited/interruptive when I feel like this. So I really had to try to back off and slow down in a meeting I was attending. One of the O.T.'s said I was so high I was energizing her. And she meant it.

  • On Saturday:

I leaped out of bed after 3.5 hrs of sleep in my hour here, hour there fashion. Did the dishes, tidied the house and then more...

I have needed to go shopping for some clothes and things for months now, but get so much anxiety about getting to and being in the stores (anticipatory anxiety) that I just cannot get myself to go. Today I went, despite feeling even more anxious than normal...use this energy, push forward, push forward. Wasn't that enjoyable, but I went to 2 different malls. That's pretty motivated., because I hate malls and I was severely anxious and I got there anyways.

Then I came home and mowed the lawn (this is no tiny lawn and not easy to do), then I finished that and off to the BIG grocery store to buy some food....something that usually takes me forever to talk myself into....and I am, as you can see by the length of this post, still going a million miles an hour. All on no sleep.

This week I have done more than I have done in ages. I felt like I could barely get out and stay out of bed two weeks I don't know if this is hypomania, or if I am having this rebound energy after going off valium fairly quickly 2.5 weeks ago...or is this normal and my depression just disappeared?

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