Monday, July 16, 2007

I Cannot Take it Anymore.

I am so depressed right now I feel like I am not going to survive. I spent more than 3 hours last night with my husband yelling, blaming and berating me for my illness, and my unsuccessful attempts to get better, (never mind that I have tried all kinds of things to help myself), tons of different meds, hospital stay, psycho education programs, different psychologists/counsellors, Group therapy ECT, weekly therapy...the list could go on forever.

He says I haven't done enough about trying alternative therapies like acupuncture, diet, hypnosis etc. That I do not follow my pdoc's recommendations about diet, exercise and supplements like B vitamins and salmon oil.

I tried to explain to him that part of my symptoms are extreme fatigue and amotivation. I have tried the food thing, I try to cook from fresh foods and cut out white flour, rice etc., but most days now I can barely cook so I have been cheating and buying pre-made dinners. The effort it takes me to eat better and eat low glycemic foods, or seek out a nutritionist who even can conceptualize what I am going through is overwhelming to me.

I believe Major Depressive Disorder is an illness. I also believe there are far too many unqualified people trying to push unproven "cures" on people with major depression. So I feel really vulnerable and believe I will be taken advantage of by an unqualified, uninformed purported healer. Maybe some of the things can make a small difference for people whose depression is less severe, or situational, but I don't believe changing my diet completely, for instance, will make me well.

What makes me really sad, and angry about my husband's self proclaimed "supportive" comments is my feeling like even with the awful, life destroying symptoms, recently I have really pushed myself to try to get better.

For the first time in years I have managed to start, and maintain something resembling work (albeit only volunteering)... even when my symptoms are at their worst. Although, even here I am flailing and not "there" (in my mind or enjoyment) like I was in the beginning.

Thankfully, one position ended for the summer and I managed to give notice for another. I do still have two more classes for one position, and I've volunteered for a summer mentoring position at the Studio until August 9th. I'm also trying to force myself to get to the studio as much as possible, but I am having a hard time with that.

Consistently getting all this negative feedback from my husband makes me feel like all is for nought. I feel like I try as hard as I can and no one gets it. Everyone thinks I'm just lazy or deluded about being depressed, because, according to them I am up when they see if I can manage that, why can't I be like that all the time. I even think my pdoc must wonder sometimes because I can go from distraught to laughing in a matter of minutes. Even I do not understand that.

"Everyone has there up and down days" is the statement of the day from those I try to explain what's going on inside my head. If they believe my depression is anything like an up or down day...they have no clue what this internal hell is like.

I have gotten to the point where I've given up. I feel suicidal almost all day, almost everyday. I think of what I would say in my suicide note, think about what I would say in personal letters to my family members and pdoc. I count all my hoarded medications. I try to figure out if I would die if I took them all, but can never find consistent information about that. I don't want to survive and be both physically and mentally ill because of some stupid miscalculation I make about what I need to take and do to die.

I go over and over how I could kill myself and have it look like an accident, so my family is not left with the stigma that I committed suicide. I even try to protect my pdoc and think of ways to commit suicide where no medications he prescribed are involved. Basically I want out so bad, but I do not want to hurt anyone else.

I cannot take life anymore. All I do is sleep/crawl into bed to avoid life. I am so tired all the time I literally feel sick. I feel anxious about everything. I walk into the grocery store and just disappear. I'm sure it's anxiety. I have needed new clothes for months now, but I cannot manage to get myself out of the house and to the store. I can never sleep through the night, because I worry about getting a job, getting better, how others perceive me, and being a constant burden on my family and even my pdoc. I also ruminate over and over about getting myself out of this hellish, unlivable existence. I see no hope of fixing or changing any of these things anymore. I really am ready to give up.

No comments: