Letting Go

I think I had one of the best, most relaxing Christmases I have had in years. Part of it was due to all the snow. I could not get out of my driveway so did not attempt to go anywhere, and something about the snow adds some levity to my life.

I laughed so many times watching my puppy try to run, plow, bounce and leap through the deep snow. He was hilarious. Were it not for his red Christmas coat (I NEVER thought I'd be one to put a coat on my dog....seems so humiliating for the dog?), but if he didn't have the coat he would have become one with the snow: a white dog melting into a white background.

At least with his red coat on I could see him every few minutes as he raced between the blueberry bushes chasing all the birds. Boing, red, boing, red a few seconds later across the field, boing a flash of red at the far end of the field...15 minutes later I fell to the ground in exasperation, after having whistled and called him to "come" a zillion times...I'm his best friend until he spots a bird, then off through the field he goes; completely unaware of my call.

As I fell to the ground and was emerged in 2.5 feet of snow, he spotted my red glove. By the time I finished making a snow angel...(that felt so fun...I haven't done that in years) Skookum was at my side trying to save me from being swallowed up by the snow. It's funny how dogs seem to come as soon as you give up trying to find them.

I remember, a few years ago, Dr. X. explaining to me how trying too hard is a pattern I repeat. I turn up the volume and try harder and harder to get well. With the increased struggle to get well comes the increased anxiety to "perform". I sometimes put so much pressure on myself to get well that it backfires.

I know that when I first left work I absolutely could not relax. I'd be exhausted and try to take a nap, but my mind would race with all the things I could be doing to help myself, rather than nap and I'd lay awake stressing about not being able to get to sleep. It would get worse, and worse and of course I wouldn't be able to sleep, no matter how tired I was.

I am going off my medications and decided rather than go off Tegretol as agreed with Dr. X, that it was more important to get off Valium NOW. So I went from 20mgs to 0mgs in 4 days. Yikes, it has been an insomniacs worst nightmare, but I am trying to just let go and if I can't sleep, not get all worked up over it. I am crabby and cranky and anxious, but I feel my mood has gone up (maybe from sleep deprivation).

Maybe happiness and getting rid of depression is like that. Maybe if I stop trying so hard to find a solution, stop trying so hard to get well and accept my situation, or maybe if I "forget" about the depression, maybe it will disappear? Hmmm.

Think I will go out and make a snowman...I haven't done that in years either.