Sunday, August 05, 2007

Hypomania? Benzodiazepine Withdrawal? or Just a Messed Up Personality?

I did not sleep again last night. I went to bed at 10:00pm and tried . At 11:30 I was still wide awake, tons of energy buzzing through me. Then the rest of the night I would fall asleep for 1/2 hr to 1.5 hrs and each awakening couldn't get back to sleep for 1 hr or more.

By 5:30am I was freaking out about not sleeping, but fell asleep for 45 mins sometime after 7am and then was wide awake and, once again, full of energy, albeit extremely anxious energy.

I feel this drill seargent inside me....go, go, go!!! I am flitting from task to task, rushing, pushing myself to go faster. I walk the dog, try to read the paper to relax, can't focus on any one story so I skim and get no relaxation and no information, check my e-mail, write a this quick, but very long (is "pressure to speak" through writing viewed as pressure of speech???), blog and get out and garden. I am high, irritable, anxious and untrusting all at the same time

As I was walking the dog I started to think of my last therapy session. Thinking of how Dr. X., asked me if I thought I was hypomanic, but he didn't allow the energy I have right now to be seen as something negative. "Use this energy to push ahead", he said. I like that he does not pathologize everything.

I have mixed feelings about one thing though. When I gave up my hoarded meds it was with the belief that he would help me if I had trouble sleeping or with anxiety. I feel a bit annoyed that I trusted him enough to give those meds.

He knew I had no sedatives at home. He knew that I had , over the previous week, stopped taking all of the 15-20mg Valium I had been taking. I'm sure he knew I was going to be anxious and have trouble sleeping. The first week of no sleep I recognize I was probably having some withdrawal, but I wonder if that is still happening? Or am I hypomanic?

What I would have liked is for him to acknowledge I was having, or going to have withdrawal symptoms. I guess what I'm trying to express is I would have liked to know this is what would happen if I went off Valium too quickly. He did try to get me to go off it slowly, but I always fell back and ended up increasing, because I would get so stressed out and not sleep. I would have liked an open/honest discussion about my "addiction" to Valium.

I would have liked him to express what I suspect he was thinking...that now that he had all my hoarded meds, I had no sedatives to sneak into, to "self-medicate" with, and now was an opportunity to get me off Valium for good.

Which is what I want...even though I'm whining and freaking out about not having really is what I want. I suspect wants me off the Valium too.

What's my point? I just want him to talk to me, about me, like I am a colleague. I want to know exactly how he sees me, exactly what he thinks my diagnosis is, exactly what he would tell another health care worker about what is stopping me from getting well.

Why he is letting me go through all this mixed high, both intensely powerful and horrible at the same time. Powerful, because finally, I have leaped out of my cocoon like bed and started doing tons; horrible because of my mounting anxiety/irritability and no sleep.

I am glad he stood his ground and did not give me sedatives, but at the same time I feel like I really need to sleep. Is he doing it to see if I do have bipolar? Maybe before I was always sedating my hypomania, so I never went up and stayed up for an extended time? I just want to know what he is thinking when he makes these decisions...but I feel it is not my place to ask, or I feel like he is not telling me the whole truth.

Next day...
I'm scared too because I'm going away with my sister and her kids next week and I can't be totally psycho around them. Plus I want an enjoyable holiday, not one filled with the agitation I was feeling all day today. I just lost it today. I feel explosive anxious I feel like I'm being suffocated by someone squeezing my chest shut.

I am so irate I am mumbling and talking to myself in angry tones (even in public!!) embarassing. My mind is on high speed, I can't concentrate. I kept messing up at my volunteer job last night...dropping thing, distracted, miscalculating things, missing what people were asking for, just not getting it at all. All day I have been ready to blow up at everyone around me.

We have a house guest right now and this a.m. I went from excited and energetic (but really anxious), to severely anxiousand agitated in the same hour. Within the next hour I became so agitated I could not sit still. He started noticing my behaviour was getting bizarre and he came up to me to try to calm me down and help me relax with some type of yoga relaxation I was doing the exercise I just broke down crying and having the worst anxiety attack. I have way to much raging, racing energy inside me for how little sleep I have had. I'm scaring myself.

I won't last like this for 2 more weeks. I can feel that any "elation", caused by finally having some energy over the past week or so, is quickly disintigrating and becoming an anxious and agitated depression.

I don't want to ask for sedatives. I don't want to start or ever take any benzodiazepines again. I don't want to lose my energy. I just want the energy, without all the bad feelings. I want to enjoy my time with my sister and neices next week when we go horseback riding. Is that too much to ask? And what do I ask for? A new brain?

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