Friday, December 19, 2008

"I Love the Whole World"

Yesterday, in my pdoc appt we discussed my going off my medication and trying to get a clearer view of what is/is not, or if anything is helping me; my starting from a blank slate. I am not certain my medications are helping me, though I do seem to have "manageable moods" more often than before, but maybe that is therapy, and teaching, and creating art, and developing friendships etc.

Dr. X said it was not clear to him that the medications were helping me. He also expressed "dismay"that I had increased my Valium, rather than decrease it as discussed. He said it is a worrisome trend. I said "dismay" in brackets, because he never lets it show if he is disappointed. The dismay aspect comes from how I felt he felt about my misstep.

I am terrified of discontinuing, or lowering my Valium. I always get so stressed out, stop sleeping, become miss crankypants from hell. Rather than express all that fear I make the excuse, "but it seem like Valium IS the only medication that helps me."

Last night I decided "fuck it" I am going of the Valium fast and I will deal with the sleeplessness, anxiety and irritability. The faster I get off it, the faster I will get over the withdraw effects.

Dr. X and I decided to have me go off the Mood Stabilizer I am on. I haven't had a joyous day in a long time, and my good moods are so good they outshine the happiest person out there in terms of radiance and pure energy, without the bad consequences of mania/hypomania. I feel like life and all its glory exudes and radiates energy through me.

I was watching the Discovery Channel last night and they have the best advertisement I have ever seen....this is me when I feel good:

I want ME back.

Last night I lowered my Tegretol from 1000 to 800mgs (as per Dr X's instructions)...but I also lowered my Valium from 20mgs to 15 and will lower to 10 tonight. Life is too short and there is too much to experience to be the way I am.


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

That's how I feel on my really good days too. I'd love to get rid of some of my meds but I know that they all work and each provide a necessary function.

Good luck with getting of the meds you're going off of. I hope that you can live with less of them. No need to take meds if you don't have to but be careful..I know you will.


Border Life said...

Starting with a blank slate. That sounds so refreshing.

I hear your fear, anxiety is tough on the mind and body.

Thanks for that Discovery channel post, what a well done spot!

Can we get ourselves back? I was going to reference Heraclitus and rivers... or The Pretenders! I find myself mourning for the old me, but I also know I've been pretty dysthmic with MDE my whole life. I can be glittery and sparkly and happy, with a quick wit and a quick smile. Sometimes genuine, sometimes an affected social mask. At any rate.. I have some...identity with the depressed side, a deep empathy for suffering, a cultivated awareness and with accompanying call to action on world issues, a love of literature and arts...yet the painful part is so horribly painful. I know I don't want that. But what's the "me" that I seek to go back to? Life is short, I wish I had a George Emersonian exuberance. Is it possible to accept the "higher" highs and "lower" lows and have a life worth living? I'm not so sure my MDEs will go away... So I'm banking on on it! After I finish my round of DBT, I'm going to do an ACT workbook with my tdoc...

Aqua said...

HBW: Awe... those good days. I too think I need medication, but right now the "soup" of medicines: I take isn't clearly helping, so I'd rather start again and see what, if anything I'm on, does help. I definitely do not advocate going off medications without talking to your pdoc. I will be careful, but just a bit more exhuberent about decreasing than I normally am.

Border Life: Your comment touched me, given I feel so close to what you describe. Maybe I have permanently become someone else, or maybe those flashes of joy and wonder and "LIFE" were simply that, flashes...but that is who I think I am even though many, many of my adult years (or large parts of those years, have been spent in MDE's. I too have an intense empathy for others and I really believe my struggles have made me an even more empathetic person...but I want to see the joyous part of me return, if only for a while.

Anonymous said...

Be careful, both change electrical activity and with being accustomed to both, lowering quickly can predispose to seizures.

Aqua said...

Hi Sara,
Thanks for the reminder. I do remember that and will lower my Tegretol very slowly...200mgs a week.

Anonymous said...

I identify so much with this post Aqua, meds are so frustrating, and sometimes we end up adding and adding to them. Maybe it would be good to get a baseline you.

Lola x

Anonymous said...

Nice video, funny and cheerful
Dr Shock

Aqua said...

Hi Lola,
I think getting a baseline is a good idea. I haven't been off all meds for a long time...hope my husband survives me over the next few weeks;>)

Hi Dr Shock,
I love that advert. It makes me smile everytime I see it, except the song has been stuck in my head since I posted it. I suppose there could be worse things than "I love the whole world..." looping around in my head