I cannot shake the idea that I am a burden on society and that my not working is me being lazy, or not having the right direction, or simply not trying hard enough to get better. I was always an over achiever, but something happened to my ability, desire and my will to get back to work. Getting back to working seems like a completely overwhelming task.
I write this as, once again, I am dreading teaching my art classes this afternoon and tomorrow. Dr. X. says these things are work, but to me they are a tiny symbolic repayment for me and my lazy self being on disability. The volunteer work is a way for me to assuage my guilt about being paid to do nothing.
My volunteering to teach is not only that. I do also see it as behavioural therapy. Work a little and increase the work a little at a time until I can work the equivalent of at least four full time days a week for an extended period of time. When I can do that I feel I will be ready to work again.
The problem is my volunteering is only 2.5 hrs/two days a week and it completely exhausts me. Takes me down to the point that I am wondering if I should do it next term. Right now I am going to sleep for a few hours before my afternoon class. I feel like it is the only way I will manage to get there. That and the fact that I have responsibilities to go.
Responsibilities MAKE me do things. My puppy is a huge responsibility, but a good one. The puppy responsibilities, like feeding, cleaning, walking, training, socializing, and basically helping the puppy become a healthy, well behaved dog, are not always responsibilities I want to take on, or that I feel prepared for each day. There are many days when I lay in bed and wish I didn't have to get up and walk the dog, or feed the dog. However, I have no choice, unless I want to give the puppy away. That is not an option. I love him more than I dread the responsibilities. Maybe that is the key. Find responsibilities you love, more than the option of avoiding them.
I need to believe that like a dying Phoenix whose flames provide a means of rebirth to another, like the rotting leaves in the forests that provide food for the canopy above, and like the decomposing, disintegrating tree stumps that feed the birth and growth of toadstools, mushrooms and all manner of fungi, I need to believe that the change I see so much like a death in me is really a transfiguration; a metamorphosis into a life that embraces and lives a purposeful, meaningful and spiritual existence.