Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lost and Need to Find...

Lola, over at "Marine Snow" has written a brilliant post that struck me to the core of my being. I feel so very much like she expresses. She thought of her post at the same time I was writing my last post, so there is an eerie sense of synchronicity for me in what she writes.

My last post makes me cry when I read it. I feel like that little girl, who had so much hope and promise has disappeared. She is forever gone.

This morning I woke up and wanted to write to myself:
  • "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
  • Shut the F$&# up!
  • Get all those words and noises and condemnations and all that self-hatred out of my head!
  • Please stop!
  • Stop thinking! You will never "think" your way out of this mess you have created.
  • What the hell did you do to yourself? How did you become this person?
  • How did you so drastically lose your way?
  • How did you destroy that beautiful and promising little girl?
  • How did you become so worthless, when, as a child, you were so valuable?
  • What have I done to myself?
  • I worked so hard and did so well in school, how did I allow myself to sink so far?
  • Why did that sweet little girl become the waste of space she has become?
  • Why is she so filled with so much self loathing?
  • Was there an exact time I became "worth" less?

I feel so existentially lost and empty. I have absolutely no idea how to survive this life and manage to find something that I am consistently able to do, something I find fulfilling and something I feel contributes, rather than takes away from, society.

I have no sense of purpose, or meaning. I have no sense that I have any value, or any worth. I feel like all I do is take and take. I'm a burden on my family, on the medical system, on the government. I have lost my intrinsic value. I have no idea how to create, or make myself, a useful and valuable human being. I feel really, really lost.


Lola Snow said...

Aqua I really wish that I could say something to make you feel a bit better. All i can say, is that you make a big difference to my life. I have never met you, but there have been a few times lately that your comments and support have picked me up and put me back on my feet again. I should imagine that i am not alone in this opinion either. we all make a difference in our own ways. We cannot change the world, but we can change the worlds we live in. Sometimes we do that without realising it, just be "being".


Lola x

jcat said...

you ARE valuable. And loved. And wanted.

Not only by RL people, but also by a whole bunch of friends that are drawn to you from all over the world.


p.s. you guys have some HUGE pigeons in Canada!!

Polar Bear said...

You ARE a valuable member of society, even if you feel you are not. V usually likes to tell me that these are just "thoughts". They don't necessarily reflect the truth.

It's hard to feel good, or have a strong self esteem when you are battling a serious mental illness. But you have to remind yourself - you are worthy, you are valuable,... at least there are people out there that think you are. I do. I think you are a great online friend, and I'm sure in real life too. You've been so supportive of me during my down times. You've helped me with your posts and your emails.

You are a good person, a decent person. You are just doing the best you can at the moment. The world couldn't ask for anything more than your best. And I know you are doing the best you can.

Polar B

Aqua said...

Thanks Lola, Jcat and Polar Bear,

Each of you is so consistently supportive. I just cannot get all the negative thoughts out of my mind...they are like a feedback loop stuck on repeat.

It's almost like when my brain has a sense that I can beat this they come on stronger to prove to me I can't. Frustrating.