Monday, October 20, 2008

Why Am I So Tired All the Time?

I feel so exhausted I can barely move. That includes my mind body and fingers typing this post. All I want to do is stay in bed, sleep; avoid life.

I get up no problem, but within a couple hours of am leaning towards a nap. If I crawl back into bed and cannot sleep I stare vacantly at the ceiling, or at the same section of the same tree outside my window. I feel hypnotized by these two things.

If I fall asleep, when I wake I literally cannot move. It is as if my body has remained unconscious while my eyes have opened up. The effort it takes to get out of bed is astronomical. In the late morning and all afternoon there are only three things that lift me out from under the covers for any length of time:

  1. My puppy...he needs a walk, or at least to go out and go to the washroom. Today twice I managed to drag myself out to walk him. I threw a ball for him, back and forth, back and forth. At least he was getting some exercise.
  2. Guilt...I feel immensely guilty about how sluggish I am and feel. The guilt pushes me to at least get up by 5 or 6 pm so my husband doesn't know how much I am in bed, and go on and on about how little I do.
  3. Responsibilities and commitments I have made to someone else; a visit with a friend, my classes today and tomorrow, my pdoc appt etc.

Even with the commitments/responsibilities....most of the time I feel more exhausted for having them. In my mind they weigh me down even more and require extra sleep to get through the activities. An example of this is are the days I teach my classes. My classes are almost making my exhaustion worse. When I have an afternoon class I plan to sleep for 2-3 hours beforehand, and after my morning class I fall asleep exhausted from all the effort I mustered for the class.

I feel like I am a snail that weighs a thousand lbs. Simply squirming slowly across the dirt feels like a monumental ordeal, and the weight of my shell makes it almost impossible to go anywhere, or do anything.

9 comments:

Michelle said...

Sometimes the best or only thing that can get us moving is our commitments to others. I think they are what got me through my toughest times. I am not saying they made me any less tired but they gave me a purpose (much like Skookum and his walks. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

Aqua said...

Hi Michelle,
Thanks. I know you are right. I know without my commitments I would do nothing...I just wish I felt better.
...aqua

Lola Snow said...

Yes, and you ARE doing them, which is great, because it is soo difficult to do things when you are down. Do you look forward to anything? Even if you are exhausted could you try setting side half an hour a day or an hour a couple of times a week to do something which brings you pleasure, just for you? Doesn't have to be energetic, maybe having a nice bubble bath with candles, or watching a favourite film, something which treats you. Because YES you DO deserve it (don't argue!) Consider it medicinal? Even if its just a little routine which you look forward to each week x Hang in there, you're still up and about and doing stuff, that counts for alot.
Lola x

annie said...

After reading the hard work you put in your last post it seems you showed tremendous effort. Does it come and go for you irregardless of your efforts? It was good to read the last post.This one gives me motivation to clarify my own issues with being tired at times. Thanks for the thoughts. Annie

jcat said...

yeah, the tiredness sucks. Even now, when my mood is above the zero line for at least half the time, I cannot do even a fraction of what I used to do in a day.

I manage the getting up because the cats make me - breakfast is critical to them. Then I feed the birds, and fall asleep in the bath. Only way to avoid it is to shower, and then I sleep on the couch by lunchtime.

The commitments are often the only reason for ending a nap. But often, there is the paralysis on waking, and I lie there wanting to get up but not being able to move, and then next thing I know it's an hour later and I've been sleeping again.....

kara said...

Aqua...

I understand what you mean with commitments making you more tired; requiring excessive sleep. Does thinking on the upcoming commitments mentally weigh you down also? (That's something I struggle with.)

Your time spent in bed, not moving--I do hope passes you soon. Until then try to hold on to the fact of daily life...you are conquering life--DAILY. I know it's not up to the standards you hold for yourself, but you share hope with me--and many many others. Thanks.

Aqua said...

Lola: I look forward to my evening martini, vegging out in front of the t.v., visiting with a couple friends and my appt with Dr. X (which always strikes me as weird). I almost always look forward to my psych appts.

I like your idea of movies. I think I should rent more movies instead of watching t.v. so much. One of my favourite things to do used to be to go to watch obscure intensely meaningful movies.

Annie: My energy is generally intensely low, unless I am in the middle of "doing" something. My mood is very reactive. However, the doing often takes me down, or the anticipation of how hard the doing will be takes me down and exhausts me. On some level yes, my energy does fluctuate withought my understanding why. In much the same way my mood cycles up and down.

Jcat: You get it perfectly when you say"... there is the paralysis on waking, and I lie there wanting to get up but not being able to move, and then next thing I know it's an hour later and I've been sleeping again" Paralysis is the perfect word for what I feel upon waking from a nap. I sometimes do fall asleep, but sometimes I just lay there unable to garner the strength, or the will? to actually move. Maybe I used up all my energy earlier in my life? Maybe you only have a set /limited amount of energy for your whole life? That what it feels like. I used it all up.

Kara: Yes, thinking about the commitments wears me out, makes me want to sleep...when I read that I thought maybe the fatigue is an anxiety reaction, because I have intense "anticipatory anxiety" before many scheduled expectations or responsibilities.

Thanks for the support each of you. Honestly, my blog and the people I have "met" through my blog (you) keep me trying every single day.

Tamara said...

Quite a few years ago I was exhausted and couldn't stay awake to save my life. I had that same feeling of not being able to move to get out of bed. My doctor actually thought for awhile that I had narcolepsy. However, it turned out that it was medication related and we had to change some things there.

This is just a thought since I don't know what you are taking or if the regimen has changed lately.

The only other thing that seems to help me when I am just tired for no reason is a bit of exercise. Even just going out first thing in the morning for a walk can give me more energy and enthusiasm for the day.

Hope you find something that helps. It is frustrating to be so tired all the time.

Hugs,
Tamara

blodyn said...

Oh my god. I feel the same way. Today I woke up fine. But it felt like I didn't get enough sleep, even though I got a full 8 hours of sleep. And throughout the course of the day, I kept on falling asleep. At least 6 times. I think maybe it's because I'm on holidays and have nothing better to do except eat and sleep. So tomorrow I'm thinking of fasting. Cleanse my system a bit. And then maybe do a little bit of housework. Wish me luck!