Consciously Challenge My Thoughts

My appt with Dr. X, was okay today. I didn't want to go, which is unusual. I'm so tired and feel so beaten down and dejected that it feels embarrassing to share how lame I am with him.

He challenged me on that one when I told him I was lame.

Dr. X: Why do you say that?

Me: Because I do nothing. I think I should be working.

Dr. X: You are working.

Me: (feeling annoyed) I volunteer for 5 hours a week. That's not working. That's lame.

At this point I recognized the pointlessness of continuing the conversation, because I know he's never going to agree I am lame, even if he believes it to be the case. He is going to continue to say I am working, that it is valuable work, and it is work to be proud of. I'm right the conversation keeps heading in that direction. I don't believe him anymore than I did at the beginning.

However, we begin to talk about my setting up a schedule, a formalized structure to help me actually complete some of the tasks I want to do, but cannot seem to actually do...a structure to become less "lame".

This seems to me like a good plan...but only if he makes me accountable in our next session. I need some "work like" formal structure to get things done. I need deadlines and expectations. I really, really need some external motivation.

He agrees to ask me about my activities completed to plan in our next session. I know, if there is no follow through I will let this whole plan disappear. I cannot keep it up without feedback and accountability. That is me. I work well when there are people expecting things from me.

So Dr X and I set up an action plan for this week. We also discussed how my negative thoughts get in the way of me doing things, and that I need to prepare for them before I do the activity.

I came home and I set up the schedule we discussed on a more formal paper that I can stick on the wall or fridge, or somewhere prominent. I also created a worksheet to write out the tasks I find difficult, why and to actively challenge them. I also added a couple questions about "perceived" difficulty/fear/enjoyment before the task, and then the same questions rated after I complete the scheduled task.

The whole exercise of setting up a formalized action plan to address my symptoms feels reassuring. It is a concrete way for me to address my amotivation and fatigue. I feel scared that I won't be able to stick to the plan, but I feel much more hopeful that there is something I can do to try to change my life.

Here is my schedule for this week and a copy of one of my "Thought Challenge" worksheets. Maybe they will be useful to someone else: (click on the documents to enlarge)

So...now I will fill in "Thought Challenge" worksheets about my grocery shopping fears, my teaching classes, cleaning the house, cooking dinner and especially challenges for my automatic thoughts when I try to sleep or nap. This seems to be when the deluge of negative thoughts about myself happen the most.

I will fill in the sheets later, because right now his is cutting into my scheduled: "Puppy Time"

Thanks Dr. X.