Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Helpless and Hopeless

(aqua, study in charcoal of a poppy/2005)

That helpless/hopeless feeling is setting in again. That sense that I am falling deeper and deeper into depression again and no matter what I do, or how much I struggle I remain intensely fatigued, depressed, apathetic, dissociative/depersonalized, confused, isolating and unable to sleep.

I want to hide out, in bed, in my back room with the curtains closed. I am so angry at myself for being this way. When my thoughts turn to angry depression I begin visualizing about ways and places and times to hang myself, suffocate myself...die. I feel like my life will never get back on track.

It takes all my energy to get going in the morning, even to take the dog for a short walk, or to write this post, and those are things I usually like to do. Everything seems like a chore: a dreaded chore. The real chores, housework, cooking etc. ,simply are not getting done and it is making me feel intensely guilty for not contributing to the running of our household, and my husband increasingly hostile towards my "laziness".

On top of feeling helpless/hopeless I had that same feeling of dread I had last week as I headed to teach my Youth Art Class Monday night. I tried to sleep all day in preparation for it, but just lay there awake wishing I didn't have to go. At 2: 00ish I dragged myself out of bed and went to class. When it began I felt myself becoming more social than I expected. At the same time I also felt it was harder than usual to do.

When I woke up Tuesday morning I wanted so badly to not go teach my drawing class that morning. I felt I just couldn't do it anymore. I feel overwhelmed with two classes and a puppy to look after. However, I pushed myself, because I committed to teach the class.

On my way to class, despite my exhaustion, apathy, and depression; I also felt an intense sense of ennui. That made me begin to thinking maybe I need to do more, not less, stimulating, "scheduled/regular", work like things everyday. Maybe my husband is right. Maybe I should get back to work.

If I am at home all I feel I can do is lay down,sleep, or watch t.v. If I am doing something work like at least, for a while, I get a sense of accomplishment, and my mood lifts while involved and distracted.

The problem is I cannot even manage to do what I want and/or need to do: like keep my house clean, cook, grocery shop, do household chores and even paint like I want to. How do I work more when I can't manage the little I do now?

I feel extremely frustrated by my lack of stability, by my not working, and by my not contributing. These all feed my bad mood and anger. I know that. I know I need to do more, but how?


Lola Snow said...

Oh Aqua. I am so so sorry to hear things are sh*tty for you. Really I cannot sympathise enough, it is hell on Earth. All i can say is this. Keep doing those little things. I know its a draining nightmare, but those things will ground you. I get the wierd detached/disassociated thing too, really badly (it's the worst thing when my mood starts to drop) The best thing is definately (if you can because i have read some of your other posts) to play with your puppy. Or just have familiar things close to you, it helps so much when reality begins to stretch out of context.
I know it sounds meaningless to you now, but this will ease a little. Just hang on, things WILL get better, you just need to be here to see it. If you need another ear (I know you have a good therapist) then feel free to drop me a line. I'm not always quick, but i promise to reply.
lola x
operation dot lola at googlemail dot com

Aqua said...

thanks lola snow. I'm hanging in right now. Thank god I have the doc I do. It helps just being in his office with him.

Karishma said...

Hi Aqua,

hope you are doing better. I just have to say that I couldn't stop crying as I read your post, as each and every word (well except for the specific activities!) could have been my own. I admire that you are trying so hard to resolve those feelings. Wish I was as strong as you. May be the posts are therapeutic for you but I just want you to know that people like me also take something away from these. So thank you and always know that out in the world there are people who understand how you feel and want you to feel better.


Aqua said...

Thank you so much. I just read your comment and want you to know someone out there understands. I hope you visit periodically and see that although the struggle is extremely difficult, the work I do in therapt is worthwhile for me,. I believe the right therapist/pdoc can make all the difference in the world.