Tuesday, April 29, 2008

It is Gone.

I have lost my joy and all that is left is extreme fatigue, depression, apathy, grinding, tapping, clenching teeth and a desire to sleep all day long.

I just got back from a visit to my youngest sister's. I should have felt joyful and intense love, because I know I feel that about her and my nieces, but I felt nothing.

I found myself disappearing into my bubble...my description of when I dissociate. I feel like I am all of a sudden covered in a bubble that shuts out all the sounds and any kind of sensory perceptions. I stay in the bubble and then it suddenly disappears and I am back from wherever I was and the sounds and sights flood back into my head.

I had a few panic attacks this weekend at my sister's...almost fainting a couple times, getting that clammy I am disappearing and going to pass out feeling. I was so spacey most of the weekend that I was tripping and falling all the time. In fact, in one of my dissociative experiences I fell down my sister's stairs and really, really hurt myself. I landed on my behind and both my arms. I thought I broke my arm and was afraid to get up, because it felt almost exactly like when I broke my elbows...throbbing agonizing pain.

I finally managed to get up, but a few hours later I notice my arms were both covered in massive bruises. I have a monster sized bruise on my backside that is so black and huge it is frightening.
The next day I woke up and I was having a hard time using my right arm. It's okay now though, but it looks like someone beat me up.

I am so clutzy; always have been. I have broken so many bones and hurt myself accidentally so many times that it really does shock people how often I fall, break bones, get in accidents etc. I think it is because I disappear and the real world keeps on going.

I find it hard to visit my little sister, because she lives in the same town my mom lived in. God I miss my Mom. It feels like I have a huge empty hole in my heart where she used to sit. I seem to miss her even more this year than the first year after she passed away. My sister said the same thing. My Mom's Birthday is coming up soon, so that seems to trigger so much grief in me. To be honest, I still think I am in denial about her dying. It feels like I am just stuck in some horrible nightmare that I can't wake up out of. I wish it had been me and not her. She had so much to give the world; so much love, so much compassion, so much more to live for. I really do wish we could have switched places. I would give anything for that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Aqua, It sounds like you had an extra hard time of things at your sisters. It also sounds like you may have had a trigger of feelings about your moms death before you actually realized it. At least that is what I do. I will not understand why I feel so bad and then there will be one or two issues that I realize were triggered. My mom died 3 yrs. ago and I have not grieved her death. I miss her and reading your post gave me positive feelings about my mom. Take care! Annie