Friday, April 18, 2008

I Am Cycling Downwards...Again

These past three or four weeks I really thought my pdoc and I had hit upon the magic mixture for my depression. For the first time in years I felt like myself for a few weeks. This week that all began to disintegrate once again.

I went to my pdoc appointment today and I felt like I just didn't want to talk. I feel frustrated, annoyed, irritable about the loss of my creativity, high mood, and recently rediscovered feelings of self esteem. All week I have become increasingly fatigued; feeling so tired by 4-4:30 pm that I feel sick I am so tired.

I have been crawling into bed at 4:30 or 5 and sleeping until 7 or 7:30. When I get up I feel less tired, but my mood is still low. The I have not been able to sleep during the night. I am awake, asleep, awake, asleep, awake, asleep...all night long.

Dr. X. suggested I try napping for only 1/2 hour around 4:30 and then get up and go for a brisk walk around the farm. I told him I would try, but today I set my alarm and when it was time to get up I shut it off...I just couldn't get out of bed. I felt like I was made of unmoveable stone.

He also explained to me that I need to try eating small amounts of food throughout the day. In the last 3 weeks I have eaten very little, because when I am well it is like I forget to eat...the rest of life becomes to exciting. I've lost 6-7 pounds, which to me is a good thing, but Dr. X. says nutrients provided in regular eating of food can affect mood.

I did not have the energy, or the motivation before to cook dinner...I have really not been eating well for quite a while, and then when I felt good I didn't want to waste my time cooking. I would say I was eating okay though. I had a bowl of granola/muslix at about 10:30a.m. and then around 7:30pm I made myself a yogurt, blueberry, mango, banana and blueberry juice smoothie. At least I'm getting some fruit. Sometimes I'd eat a couple eggs too.

Anyways, the other thing I am going to try to do (on Dr. X's advice) is actually two things: keep painting even if my creativity seems to have disappeared. He says to keep doing the things that make me feel good when well, even if they are hard to do, or I don't feel like it. Secondly, give myself permission to slow down and ride out the low cycle. He expressed that he knows these are both easier said than done. I appreciate that he gets that.

All in all my mood is lower, but no where near as low as it sometimes goes, so I'm hoping I can get a hold on it before it really crashes. I hate the unpredictability of my mood.


James said...

Yeah the unpredictability of the moods is what is so frustrating to me as well. You just never know when it will hit. It is enough to make one cynical because the good will drop out from under your feet in a matter of minutes.

Your wrote:

He expressed that he knows these are both easier said than done. I appreciate that he gets that.

My therapist is the same way. At least she gets that it isn't as easy as some people think.

Aqua said...

Hi James,
Thanks for the comment. There is always something soothing in knowing I am not the only one that this happens too(although I would never wish this on you or anyone). My pdoc insists amotivation is a symptom of my depression. I agree. I am so motivated when I feel well that I am beyond average in terms of the thiongs I can get done. I am really glad your therapist sees that about your difficulties doing things too.

Polar Bear said...

**grin** Dr X sounds just like V!!

Yes, it's important to go ahead and do something that makes us feel good even when we DON'T feel like doing it. You just can't afford to wait for motivation when you are feeling low. And yes, definatelty give yourself permission to slow down. For me this includes being good and kind to myself - stop the automatic critical thoughts.

Hard to do, of course. But sounds like you're on the right track. Keep painting. I think you have amazing talent.