Sunday, August 19, 2007

What is Happening to Me?

I don't understand what is happening to me right now. I haven't slept more than 2 hrs straight and and average of 3-5 hours total a night. I have more energy, but it is BAD energy. I am feeling so much anxiety that today I began panicking at the laundromat. I couldn't breathe and I began feeling like my body was swirling and I was going to faint and then I just felt I was outside myself, or covered in foam or something was between me and reality.

I went on a trip to a dude ranch/spa last week. I did lots of things that should have been relaxing and fun; horseback rides, hayrides, ATVing, massages, facials, body wraps, swimming...all things I would usually enjoy and find relaxing. I went with my sister and her kids who I always love to be with. This time it was different though. I did not feel anything good at all.

I could not feel any of the enjoyment...all I felt was intense anxiety and bad energy surging through me. I felt disconnected from every thing I did and everyone I did it with. I enjoyed nothing. I was so anxious the whole time I couldn't sleep. If I did manage to fall asleep it was for an hour here and there. I would wake up having anxiety attacks all through the night.

I can't take much more of this. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have tried every medication out all has attempts to become well have failed and there is nothing that will help me. I feel helpless, hopeless and lost.

My husband is after me for not enjoying anything anymore. I tried to explain that is a symptom of my depression and anxiety...the joy disappears from life. He keeps talking to me like I'm choosing to be this way. Get a job and you will feel better, he says. He just doesn't get that I am ill and if I felt like I could manage a job, I would be the first one to go get one, but I can barely manage to get out f bed, or do the dishes, or the housework. How can I get a job when all I want is to die?

I am trapped. All I want is to die, but I cannot hurt my sisters by allowing myself to die, so I stay for them. I am trapped in this hell forever. God I hate this existence...please just let me die.


jcat said...

Hey there....sounds like a baaad bit of hypomania you're having! The anxiety is apparently quite common. I don't do much anxiety, I get the irritability instead. Works least I can normally take it out on someone I don't know. Although I feel like shit afterwards about it, and wish I could find the idiot that I was horrible to and apologise.
The worst though is - as you say - just not enjoying things that you know you should, and would normally really have fun doing. I pretty much avoid contact or fun things unless I'm going to drink - which is totally against the rules - but is about the only way I can handle more than 5 mins of social activity. As you might have picked up from blog, I have a prodigious capacity for liquid of all kinds, be it coffee, cokes or alcohol - although seeing as I have been mostly behaving most of the year, the latter does seem to have decreased a bit.
How long have you been married for?
As in...did HB at least get to see a reasonable amount of you the way you really are?
Just had a look at a world time-zone website. If you're in BC, it reckons you are still having this morning - we're at 18h18 Tues evening.
So, have a good day!

Aqua said...

Hi Jcat,
Yes, my husband knew I had problems with depression both before I moved in with him and before we got married. From the time we met, up until this depressive episode I had had numerous episode, although none as bad, or as long lasting as this one.

I added you to my blog list and have been reading yours...we do have a lot of bad habits in common!! Argh.

Aqua said...

ohh I forgot....We've been married for 7 years, lived together for 4 years before that and dated for 3 years before he had lots of time to see what I was like.