Friday, June 23, 2006

Crazy

I am out of my mind. I stressed out since my last session about being left without any financial means to take care of myself if I lose my insurance coverage and/or leave, my job. My thinking is like this...

  • I become well.
  • I lose my insurance,
  • I have a choice..return to my old job (but it was contributing to my not being well), or find a job that I can manage to do and stay well
  • I have another episode once I leave the job I have and it's insurance safety net (I have had so many depressive episodes...this is an inevitability)
  • I end up not being able to work again, but this time I have no insurance
  • I end up on the streets because I cannot support myself

Dr X. and I discussed this "catastrophizing" today. He asked me how likely it was that I would end up on the street...To me it seems completely possible...I imagine my husband leaves me, my family gives up on me, I run out of money...and there I am.

He asked me to think about Canada Disability benefits and could I live on that...I receive these now, but it is a very small amount of money and the city I live in is very expensive. Dr. X. says he has patients who live in the city and manage on a disability income. He says there is a safety net under my tightrope. I need not worry about ending up homeless. It will not happen. God, I wish I could feel safe. I wish I was not so afraid of change.

I had a dream last night that I was talking to my GP about how I was going to find happiness. In the dream I discovered I would be happy if I bought a motorcycle. I did not think much of it until I told Dr. X and he said, we associate motorcycles with a certain degree of risk (especially driving in this city)...maybe my dream was telling me happiness would be found only if I am willing to take some risks.

2 comments:

Polar Bear said...

yes, catastrophizing.... it's something I do too. Often my T gives me a reality check, though. My heart tends to catastrophize - I fear bad things happening, and it's all a gut feeling, but if I employ my rational mind, I know that the chances of these "bad" things happening can be pretty slim.

Still, it's hard even with "wise mind" when your heart is screaming something else.

I actually ended up on the streets one time when I was about 19 years old... and for a long long time, I "harboured" money because I was so afraid I would end up on the streets again.

Take care
Polar B.

Marie said...

wow- sounds like you've got a great therpist. I'm still on the hunt for a great one for myself.

I'm a BiPolar, and jut looking to see who else out here on the net feels the shit I feel.

Hey and... thanks for sharing. If more people shared their imperfections I think most individuals in the world would feel better about themselves and their problems. It helps to know you're not alone.