Crazy

I am out of my mind. I stressed out since my last session about being left without any financial means to take care of myself if I lose my insurance coverage and/or leave, my job. My thinking is like this...

• I become well.
• I lose my insurance,
• I have a choice..return to my old job (but it was contributing to my not being well), or find a job that I can manage to do and stay well
• I have another episode once I leave the job I have and it's insurance safety net (I have had so many depressive episodes...this is an inevitability)
• I end up not being able to work again, but this time I have no insurance
• I end up on the streets because I cannot support myself

Dr X. and I discussed this "catastrophizing" today. He asked me how likely it was that I would end up on the street...To me it seems completely possible...I imagine my husband leaves me, my family gives up on me, I run out of money...and there I am.

He asked me to think about Canada Disability benefits and could I live on that...I receive these now, but it is a very small amount of money and the city I live in is very expensive. Dr. X. says he has patients who live in the city and manage on a disability income. He says there is a safety net under my tightrope. I need not worry about ending up homeless. It will not happen. God, I wish I could feel safe. I wish I was not so afraid of change.

I had a dream last night that I was talking to my GP about how I was going to find happiness. In the dream I discovered I would be happy if I bought a motorcycle. I did not think much of it until I told Dr. X and he said, we associate motorcycles with a certain degree of risk (especially driving in this city)...maybe my dream was telling me happiness would be found only if I am willing to take some risks.