Friday, October 06, 2006


I have been afraid to post. Afraid because I was, for a while, feeling good (not just well...but good). Afraid because I thought my insurance company would read my posts, determine I was "cured" and send me back to work before I was ready.

In late June I decided to try Lithium. I was so scared to try this med for some reason. Once my dose was at 900mg I began to feel okay, then at 1200mg I felt really good. My mood had not only leveled off, it had lifted. I had some fatigue, but I could sleep in the afternoon and that seemed to help. I felt good for a few weeks, then I became sick (cold/flu...really awful cold symptoms). For two weeks, even while sick my mood felt good. Then my mood crashed.

I thought the Lithium stopped working, my mood kept getting worse. My pdoc said it was working, but could not manage to help my really low lows. Since then I have not felt good. I feel really bad right now. pretty much as bad as I have ever felt. What the hell???

Why do I take medicine if it makes me tired all the time, makes me stunned and and only works sporadically, if at all? I have been thinking a great deal about dying. I feel like I am never going to be well for an extended period. I feel like I cannot cope with life. I cannot even manage to keep my house clean. What makes me think I can turn my life around. I thought Lithium was supposed to level off my mood swings. That is simply not happening and I am soooooo fucking frustrated!!!


Anonymous said...

Hey Aqua, are things any better?

you may also know me as lettmett...

I love lithium but it sometimes poops out for a little while. Like the fall but you are strong enough to work through it!

Aqua said...

Hi Manica and thanks...I meant to say hi when I saw you writing as Lettmett last week...good to hear from you again. Re: your things are actually getting worse. I am so depressed right now I'm not sure how I'm managing. Pdoc told me to stop taking Valium and stop alcohol, then see what is happening a couple weeks down the road (so we can clearly see if the Lithium is doing anything on its own)...then we'll start trying some combinations...argh! I am so sick of trying to find meds to help me.

Polar Bear said...

I'm sorry your mood plummated again after a period of feeling relatively well. It goes to show that you CAN attain a certain level of happiness, maybe not right now, but even if for some brief moments, I hope you can see the light of day.

There will be good days and bad days, good months and bad ones. But I do hope you keep hanging int here.

Polar B.

Aqua said...

Thanks Polar Bear,
I understand you have been having a rough time too. I am sorry to hear that. Take care

yarngirl said...

Hey you can be my twin! I have just started lithium last week. How are you doing? Hope you post again soon. Really love your blog!
See me at mine

all the best
love yarngirl xxx

sadgirl said...

Dear Aqua

So delighted to hear you have perked up! I have left you apost on my blog. All the best to you.
Very much thinking of you.

love and light

sadgirl said...

Dear Aqua

Hoping you will post again soon with news. I have been worrying about you. I am now on 800mg lithium and i have had mood swings on it too! Pleas try and let everyone know how you are.

love and hugs
yarngirl xxx

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