Friday, June 09, 2006

I Told the Truth

I went to therapy today and tried to say what I wrote earlier...but, just like I thought, it would not come out. I was not going to let myself leave without telling Dr. X. the truth about my hoarding meds and self-destructive and abusive I handed him a printed copy of what I wrote in my last post.

You would think I would feel relieved now, having got it all out of me, but I feel sick about it. Despite Dr. X's reassurances that I have not destroyed his faith and trust in me, I feel really ashamed and embarrassed by what I do and have done.

Dr. X. said my embarrassment is a huge hurdle for me in many situations. He is right. I have this intense fear of being embarrassed, or made fun of. This really informs my anxiety and makes me quash myself into something I think others will accept and want.

I went to see the Shakespeare play "A Midsummer Night's Dream" last week. In it there is a play within the play casted by some seemingly inept actors. What struck me most was the joy with which the main "cast member", Bottom ,lived his life as an actor (even if he was a BAD actor). Nothing stopped him from playing out his melodrama exactly how he wanted to play it out.

I could see Shakespeare's intention was to make him look like the Ass he gets turned into, but on another level, on an existential level, where success is measured in terms of how you lived your life according to what you desire to do....Bottom was extraordinarily colourful, successful and so full of life (even in his "dramatic" death).

That is what I want. I want to be free. I want to be the wild me again. The me who lets loose, sometimes does stupid things, but revels in my being unafraid to make mistakes. I want to be bold again. I want to sing out loud when everyone is listening. I want to be okay with not being good at things I enjoy. I want to just unselfconsciously enjoy those things.

Right now....I am going to make a decision to just let it go. Just know that I spoke up honestly to my pdoc. I let him know what I was doing. What I was doing is a symptom of my illness on some level, but on the other level...the deception level, I told him what I was doing. So from this moment on I am going to believe we are square.

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