Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Prepare To Be Cut Off

I went into my session today feeling really good, despite not having slept more than a couple hours last night and not much the past week or so. I was awake all night last night with all this creative energy surging through me. I have been taking Art classes and I feel really good about this still life I just drew. I also started volunteering and had a really good time my first shift. It felt good to be useful.

Then I do not know what happened, but all sorts of negative thoughts started to creep into my session. Suddenly we were talking about my fears of being spied on by the insurance company and then Dr. X. said "Prepare to be cut off. When you are well it will be an inevitability"

Now I feel extremely stressed out. I know I will be cut off insurance if I become well, and I do not want to let my fear of being cutoff stop me from becoming well. However, my biggest fear is that I will become well for a while and then leave my job and get cut off insurance and then relapse into depression again and be both depressed and unable to take care of myself financially.

After my session today I came home and started worrying that Dr. X. is not going to give me enough time feeling well to be sure I am well enough to begin looking for work again and will be able to remain well in the long term. Argh! I hate my brain.

1 comment:

Polar Bear said...

yeah, i think if my T ever said something like that to me, I would freak out.

I feel the same way about my sessions. I am almost afraid of becoming well enough to be discharged. I feel I will never be ready to leave therapy and the support I am now getting. But my case manager is always telling me not to be afraid to become well, that they will continue to see me until I am ready to leave, and that that is something dictated by a mutual agreement, not something they will impose on me.

Still, it's small comfort sometimes....