Saturday, March 04, 2006


God...this (Life)is all too difficult. Where to start?...

I have been hibernating, avoiding, neglecting, etc. for some time, thus the no post/no response since January. I do not know how to keep going since Mom is gone. I realized the other day she was the only person on earth that I truly trusted. For some reason trust is an extraordinarily difficult thing for me.

I realized a couple weeks ago that I need to relearn trust. Not sure how, but I suppose my pdoc appts are the best place to begin. I waffle between trusting him completely and believing he is just placating me, or has some hidden agenda. This is me of course...not him...he has never DONE anything to make me distrust him. It all lays in my interpretation of what is going on.

Two weeks ago I told him I had a big stash of meds at home...just "in case". He asked me if I thought he would not help me, or provide me with medication if I needed it? It is not is that I am unable to ask for the help, or the medications. I feel like I am "drug seeking"...or out of control. I also keep the medications so I have a way out if I need it...a dangerous and counter-productive plan when you are depressed.

The next week I felt compelled to bring the stash to him. He looked surprised at how much I had kept...and vocalized how seeing all this medicine must really have a psychological effect on me...i.e. seeing all the meds I have tried, all that have failed, all I have had dependence problems with, etc.). He was dead on. I had had a dream about this very topic (dependence and addiction to meds and alcohol) just a few days prior. Anyways, I felt like handing over my stash was all about giving myself over to him in terms of trust, my trusting he will help me when I need help. Trusting he will not let me suffer if I do not have to.

When I went to yesterday's session the TRUST theme continued. I really opened up and told him about my suicidal thoughts. I brush over them in sessions all the time..."oh, and I had s. thoughts", or "I've been super depressed and plagued with s. thoughts", but I never feel comfortable REALLY talking about the content of the thoughts. I feel like he does not want to dwell on them, or that there is something wrong about talking about the details.

When my Mom was alive I could call her if I could not manage the thoughts anymore, if they became too overwhelming, or began compelling me to act. So, without her here, I feel extremely isolated and scared when they begin their attack.

Yesterday Dr X. and I talked about the details of my suicidal thoughts. We openly discussed the macabre and gruesome imagery that swirls around in my brain throughout parts of every single day. We have decided to try to face them head on and do some CBT work around these thoughts. I left my session feeling so listened to. I left feeling I was not going to be abandoned or dismissed for having a mind full of bizarre, obsessive and intrusive thoughts. I felt so much relief for having opened up, and trusting it would be okay to do so.

1 comment:

Dobro said...

I am glad that you feel that you can trust your doctor. But I also wish that you had friends or other family that you felt safe to turn to in time of need.