And Then the Door Slams Shut

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I want to scream. Four days ago I was going on and on about trust and how I am feeling safer and closer to my pdoc and now I am totally obsessing about how I think my pdoc is not being straight up with me.

I used to have pdoc appts on Tuesdays and Fridays. Then in late August last year my pdoc said we should try cutting back to once a week, not because I was better, but as an experiment to see if it would help me. Let's "shake things up a bit" were his words...see if less therapy impacts my mood. Instantaneously, I fell into a tailspin because I felt abandoned. Why would he see me less when I was feeling so severely depressed?

Well, I discovered my Mom was terminally ill the following week and his "experiment" went out the window. I moved up to my Mom's town to take care of her and could only return for appointments once every two weeks. Even with my Mom being so ill, overall my mood lifted. I knew why. While I was the one supposed to be "taking care of" someone, My Mom, just by being, was in fact helping me. She was such an incredible, loving and completely accepting person. I flourished around her, despite being desperately sad about her dying.

Anyways, When my Mom died in December I returned home. I began seeing Dr. X. on a regular basis again. I saw him twice a week for a couple weeks and then two weeks ago, when I went to book my next appointment, he said Tuesday was unavailable could I come Wednesday? So, thinking it was just a mix-up that week...I said sure. Because Wednesday was so close to Friday I felt uncomfortable asking for another appointment that week.

So on Wednesday I go to book my next appointment for two weeks from now (because I have to go away to do some estate stuff for my Mom...Dr X again asks me if Wednesday works for me. I just stood there feeling abandoned.

I felt like he was surreptitiously working to push me into only seeing him once a week. He only works Tuesday to Friday so if I come Wednesday Tuesday is out and Friday seems too close. I cannot seem to get the thought out of my mind that, rather than have the big long discussion about how less is more, he forced my hand.

Now...there is a teensy part of me that is considering whether or not I am being totally paranoid, but the rest of me is feeling totally rejected and distrustful of Dr. X's intentions.

I feel "let go" at a time when I need him more than ever. I am, just in the past few weeks, beginning to fully grieve my Mom's death. On top of that I am continuing to have severe depressive symptoms. I am having non-stop suicidal fantasies, panic attacks, anxiety attacks and trouble with alcohol. I have been going off all my meds (with Dr. X's approval)and isolating myself worse than ever before. I feel detached from my whole existence...like I am watching myself in a really bad, really sad, really scary movie.

The same appointment he cut back my appointments to Wednesday he told me He would, "see me when I was depressed (or needed help), but also, he would see me when I felt well too." At that moment I felt safe. I felt as though I could let go of all my fears of him dismissing me or giving up on me.

What I don't get is this..."Why do I feel as though he slammed the door shut in my face? Why do I "sense "a disconnect between his words..."I will help you"...and his actions? Why do I "sense" he is releasing me, trying to get rid of me, trying to stop seeing me? Am I being paranoid?

Are these my feelings transposed on to him? (i.e. I feel like I deserve to be dismissed, punished for not getting better etc...so I believe he MUST be feeling that too). How do you tell what is real and what is not?