Sunday, March 12, 2006

High, High, High

I would like to think I have some control over my moods. In fact, when I am in a depressive stupour I believe I am the one making me depressed, that it is my fault, that I am not trying hard enough to get well. Yesterday makes me really think I have some on/off, high/low "switch" in my brain.

Remember, I was distraught about being rejected in my last post. I obsessed about this all day and night for 3 days. Then Friday night I feel a change in my body. I am feeling extraordinarily wired, wound up, hyper...like I drank pots and pots of coffee. I cannot fall asleep despite having taken zopiclone and a couple extra strength muscle relaxants. I stay up until 2am and then fall into fitful sleep, waking off and on all night. Despite having decided to sleep in and catch a later ferry, (I am s/b going to see my sisters in my Mom's town), I wake at 6:30 am and feel energy racing through me.

My mind is racing...thoughts exploding everywhere...I'm having a hard time focusing/concentrating...but I feel such a rush of joy through my body that I do not care. My car breaks down almost as soon as I get off the ferry. I cannot find a garage. I have my dog and all my important belongings piled into the car...and normally I would be so stressed out/depressed/agitated in this situation...but today it seems like an adventure.

In this adventure I am talking to new people without fear, people are smiling at me and open to me. I feel accepted, cared for, attractive. In fact, I feel like I am a magnet to people...like everyone is attracted to me.

The world is different too. The colours of the trees, the sky, the ocean, everything, is intensified. It is as though everything is glowing and pulsating. I can see the life force in things. Even the car breaking down feels like an opportunity. It allows me to visit a new town....and the town is beautiful.

The above is SO completely opposite of my normal depressed experience that I cannot help but feel for a brief moment a switch in my brain was triggered...not sure why, or how...but god if only I knew, my life would be restored.

1 comment:

Dobro said...

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's like a temporary relief from the depression.