Wednesday, May 19, 2010

There is No Hope

I feel physically sick. I am so fatigued I feel nauseous. I have no energy. No motivation. No ability to get myself to do anything. All I want to do is sleep. I am so depressed I can't even do that.

So I stare at the ceiling thinking I can't take this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I cannot survive this depression anymore. The life I have is not worth all this pain.

I have to go visit my family in a few days. I am dreading it. They all want me to be happy. I want to be happy, but the energy it takes to be who they need me to be completely overwhelms me.

I wish I would die. Finally this would all be over.

What do you do if nothing helps your depression? How do you keep going? How do you survive?

14 comments:

Harriet said...

I don't know. But I wanted you to know that I am here, and I am with you, and I can relate. Not very helpful, but it is all I can do right now.

Donda said...

There is always hope!! Try to remember a time when you were happy even if it was for a brief moment you know it is possible. You are not responsible for how your family members feel. Don't let them rent space in your head. Anyone that has not experience depression doesn't truly understand. It is not a matter of buck up and get back on the horse. It passes when it passes. Medication helps. Talk to your doctor. It took me a plethora of meds and cocktails to get halfway "normal".

Anonymous said...

I'm in a similar spot, so I empathize completely with your situation.

What helps me is researching and making lists of meds or combos of meds I haven't tried yet, in addition to learning about promising future meds and "fringe" treatments like low sublingual doses of Salvia, or psilocybin. Deep brain stimulation is not that far off as well.

I also think to myself that it would be a pity to end things only a few months or years before I would have found an effective treatment.

On a related note, I would also like to add that you are a tremendous personal inspiration to me.

-alacrity

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Aqua. I have had SO MANY times when doing anything at all - even standing up - proved VERY difficult.

My only help, when I have been catatonically depressed, is Modafinil which I buy in generic form.

It is a non-addictive stimulant. I took it because it makes me feel like I can cope - that I CAN wash the dishes etc. It enables me to get out of my chair, to be able to walk properly rather than shuffling around bent over like a little old lady (yes, I really was walking like that). It gives me some energy. And with that energy I can get a few things done. Slowly after some time of being able to get more things done I feel better emotionally. This is not the direct effect of the tablets on my mood (it has no long term effect of any sort), but simply feeling better about myself and life because I can have nice clean hair, and my place isn't such a mess etc.

This type of medication enables you to just do things, and also face things which require far more energy than depression usually allows.

If you have the desire or will to do things then it's worth considering a med which will enable you to action those desires - because not being able to the stuff you want to do only makes the depression worse, a vicious circle.

I can only take Modafinil intermittantly due to my weak liver, which is very sad. But I have physical problems taking any med.

Bearfriend xx

tracy said...

Please contact your Psychiatrist....this is an emergency, hon.
Sending love and knowing where you are...it hurts soooo much.

Rach said...

I've been there. And I identify so much with what you write, Aqua.
When I was at my lowest low, someone told me to believe. In something. I think he told me Ronald McDonald. Stupid, I know. But it gave me something to focus on, an image to form in my head.

Occasionally I'd call him crying saying I couldn't even believe in that.

I agree with Tracy. I think Dr. X would want to know where you're at right now.

Gina Lind said...

I completely understand how you feel. It's lonely and it's frustrating.
I want you to remember that you need to advocate for yourself. Please tell your doctor how you feel. Beg him/her to help you.
I have found that a few things help me. I play solitaire on my computer because it is mindless and keeps me busy. I also have been doing a simple craft. I spend a lot of time on the computer. Writing is my best thing. I write better when I'm depressed. Go figure!
I care. E mail me if you want to talk. Gina

The Martha Complex said...

I am not sure how, but I ran across your blog.

I suffer from anxiety & depression, and I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. It is funny that everyone thinks you can flip a switch and be happy but sometimes it just isn't that easy.

Joel Peter said...

Depression can really be paralyzing. Maybe not in the literal sense but it can stop you from functioning normally like sleeping regularly. I definitely appreciate your openness in sharing what you are experiencing right now, but, wanting to end your life as an escape is not the solution to your emotional problem.

I agree with most comments here, you need to turn to a psychologist already like Dr. Robert A Moss. A psychological therapy can help you understand the source of your emotional downturn and can provide you with means on how to cope with and cure your negative feelings.

tracy said...

Joel
No offense, but posting an advertisement for a treatment center when someone is in crisis doesn't seem exactly helpful.....

Ethereal Highway said...

"How do you keep going? How do you survive?"

I keep going by doing the best I can to keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as I can, just like you do. Then, when I can't do it anymore. I hide out or take to my bed for a few days. And I drink. (Drinking is not a recommendation.)

Survival is something different from just going. I survive by asking for support from safe sources, looking for anything that might give me genuine hope and doing my best to notice every morsel of safe love and care that comes my way.



How are you doing since this last post of yours, Aqua? Are you alright?

Simon Jones said...

Aqua
If all this pain was gone and you suddenly felt better , what would you like your life to look like.

Please tell me what it would be like if you could wave a magic wand.

Perhaps a relationship, or travel, or a garden, I dont know but I want you to write it down.

Don't worry if its an impossible never going to happen dream. Tell me.
Simon

tracy said...

i am seriously, seriously scared, Aqua. Please touch base.

Aqua said...

I am sorry Tracy. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I just haven't had anything to say/write.
...aqua