Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why Can't I Get Motivated

I want to go kayaking; slip through the ocean quietly and peacefully. I want to go camping. Pitch a tent, build a big fire, stare at the stars and listen to nature's peacefulness. I want to go for a bike ride. I want to go for a hike. I want to paint three paintings. I see them in my mind. I need to get them out of me.

I sit and stare at the wall. I want o change. Really I do. I want to be different. I want to DO things. I want to be active. I want to be busy.

The dishes pile up, and up and up. The laundry pile gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I feel completely overwhelmed by just the ordinary responsibilities of life. I feel overwhelmed even though I barely do anything.

I get up out of bed. I walk the dog. These are the two consistent things I manage to do.

Mostly, I feel suffocated by my existence. I feel ashamed for how little effort I put into helping myself get better. I feel like I waste Dr. X's time, because I know what I need to do. I need to DO. I need to get active. I need to participate in life. I need to work, to contribute.

Why then, do I just sit there staring at the wall for hours on end wishing my life would change?

7 comments:

Joe Johnson said...

I just read a great article on motivation check it out!

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

You are not alone, Aqua.

peace and blessings to you

Rach said...

The dishes pile up, and up and up. The laundry pile gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I feel completely overwhelmed by just the ordinary responsibilities of life. I feel overwhelmed even though I barely do anything.

A bit at a time.
I started with one dish and washing some socks.
The dishes took 7 months, the laundry 4.

I'm here for you. I hope you know that.

Valerie said...

I have also lost my "oomph", unfortunately.

My poor hubby and kids have to live in this disaster because of it.

Harriet said...

It's not a character flaw, it is depression. But it causes a seemingly endless cycle, doesn't it? Where is the exit?

tracy said...

This is exactly the way i feel! Especially the part about wasting my Psychiatrist's time, because i n e v e r seem to change...sometimes i just get worse, and now i'm scared if i don't make a very noticeable effort to do better, i just might get kicked out...and i have nowhere else to go.
i am so sorry you feel so bad too.
Take Care,
tracy

-K said...

You are not alone. I pulled a muscle in my back and was in bed for a week...I was RELIEVED because it gave me an excuse to stay in bed, avoid people and not have to go to brunch with my children for Mother's Day. Depression is ruthless.